What do you call a glass of alcoholic pig’s blood? Swine.
Why are there fish at the bottom of the sea?
Because they dropped out of school.
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
Did you like my HTTP 200 joke?
It was OK.
Are you the British museum?
‘Cuz you stole my (he)art
Why does the jellybean go to school? Because he wants to become a smartie.
What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? She had a make-up exam!
You must be Saturn Because I feel attracted to you even when I’m a million miles away!
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
What sound do you hear when a Ghost explodes? kaBOOm!
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
Do you have a mirror in your pocket?
Why, because you can see yourself in my pants?
No, because I wanted to check how I look before I hit on your hot friend.
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?
(Taylor Russell)
This book of spells was useless. The author forgot to run spell check.
Dealers Will Hear Car Talk At Noon
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
What kind of sandwich does Kissy the Elf like for lunch?
A wrap!
Dialysis is a blood bath.
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.
The comedian ghost had everyone in stitches - he was dead funny.
Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth ?
It's meteor.
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race?
You’re toast!
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
I saw a squirrel throw up today! It was nuts!
What do you call a holy squirrel?
A chipmunk.
Why was the artist in an argument? She wanted to have the final clay.
With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.
I thought they'd be smaller.
When you’re alone in Germany being approached by a group of old men
You have to fear the wurst.
I put the “man” in Manitoba.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”
My psychiatrist sent me for an MRI because she thinks I have a magnetic personality.
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
How do clams call their friends?
Clams call their friends on their shell phones!
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it!
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
Why did Italy surrender in WW2?
Because Italics aren't bold.
You are the square to my root.
Where did the duck go when he was sick? A:
To the ducktor.
"You're a real good egg."
Why did the ghoul become green?
It was sick of eating brains!
What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?
A seahorse.
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?
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