How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
How did the police find all the missing wood from the lumber yard?
It was chipped.
What do you call a sorcerer who only deals in urine magic?
A whizzard.
I can heartly wait to see you again.
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
When God made you, he was just showing off.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
Today I learned that the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
What does it take to become a zombie?
Dead-ication.
How does every Irish joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.
Why was the pig crying? Because he was boar-ed to tears.
What do you call a family member who works at a gas station? A pump-kin!
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
I saw a saw that could out saw any saw I ever saw saw. If you happen to see a saw that can out saw the saw I saw saw I'd like to see the saw you saw saw.
What type of weapon does a vegetable knight use?
A-spear-iguess
Where do fish sleep? In the riverbed.
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I’d have a cow pie in my eye.
If you think a meteor is hard, you should see what you are doing to my missile.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
Why are mice afraid of the water?
Because of catfish.
What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?
A Prograsstinator
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nana.
Nana who?
Nana your business.
So, what do you do with an epileptic watermelon? Simple, you make a seizure salad.
What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo? Bronco-saurus or a Tyrannasourus Tex
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Do you know how the pineapple feeds her children? She gives them milk from her pinenipples!
What mouse was a Roman emperor?
Julius Cheeser!
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop it a line!
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Join us for plenty of play action.
What’s black and white and red all over?
A sunburned panda.
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.
Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
This pizza party is the perfect topping to a great summer.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the olympics? It fell at the final curdle
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
Afraid he wouldn’t get into college the skeleton spent the weekend boning up on algebra.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
What's the difference between Cloepatra and King Arthur?
One had Camelot and one had a lot of camels.
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