Why don’t giraffes make good pets?
They’re too high maintenance.
If there's a bee in my hand, then what's in my eye?
Beauty.
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
I am happy that the arrangements for St Patrick's day are going great. The large bottles of green soda look pitcher-perfect.
Who is the first farmer to walk on the moon?
Neil Farmstrong.
Are you teh Easter Bunny? Because you’ve spent the entire day hopping around in my head.
"I wish I could say you were the most special person in the world, but you're not."
Why did the detective lose his second job at the airport?
He kept cracking cases.
My hypochondriac brother just told me he thinks he's got a brain tumor.
I told him not to worry, it's probably all in his head.
What do cats read in the morning? The mewspaper!
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
What does Minnie Mouse drive?
A Minnie van!
What holiday do bats love best?
St. Bat-rich’s Day.
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
My hair was acting crazy so I told it to comb down.
Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.
Are you a ghost? Because you’ve been haunting my dreams.
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
I watched, horrified as two trucks carrying cheese crashed into each other. De brie was all over the road.
I always tend to forget the french word for strawberry sometimes. But, then I eventually remember the fraise.
If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
Don't worry, bee happy!
Is it possible to scare a sasquatch out of your yard by tossing eggs at him?
Only if you eggs-terminate him.
How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.
How do you make a telephone in the jungle?
With toucans and a piece of string.
"Arithmetic"
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.
– Judith Viorst
What do grizzlies use in the shower?
Bear conditioner.
I'm reading a book called "The Yellow River"
It's written by I.P. Freely
If you were a boat I would keep you in a garage.
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
You’re my #1 pick.
A slimey snake slithered down the sandy sahara.
Irish potatoes are spud-tacular.
My coach told me not to get my heart rate over 160 today, but then I screwed up when I saw you!
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
What is white and has long ears, whiskers, and sixteen wheels? Two rabbits on Rollerblades!
What do you get when you cross a tortoise and a llama?
A turtle-neck sweater.
Why did the computer wear glasses?
To improve its web sight.
There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"
The horse said "nay."
The pig squealed.
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
“Look out for Santa Paws!”