Why did the bat walk in her pijamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
"I’m Going to Be Famous"
I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!
– Steve Hanson
I wish I was Tim Horton's coffee…So I could get close to your lips.
What do you call a solar powered keyboard?
A photosynthesiser
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
What’s the difference between a dog and a gator?
A dog’s bark is worse than its bite.
I'd hate to be the bearer of bad blues.
What did the cow who barged the other cow say?
Moo-ve!
What do you call a shrimp hit by a car?
Road krill.
Who is the superhero who loves to have soup all the time? Souper-man.
What do cheese makers dance to on halloween? The muenster mash!
Why did the junkie adopt a one legged crow?
So he could get crow cane from his vet.
What do you call a condiment with a hit single? a must"heard"
"You crack me up."
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
What do you call a snail on a boat?
A snailor.
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth!
What’s black and white, has four legs and a trunk?
Two pandas on holiday.
How do you spot a deer behind you? With hind-sight!
What do dogs like to drink? Kit-Tea.
Why did the flower take her husband back after he cheated?
She rose above it.
Was going to change my password to MilkyTea but apparently that's too weak.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
If tomatoes are a fruit
Then ketchup is a smoothie.
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
This special peach school is for those Peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
Who did the goats vote for as president?
Billy Clinton.
What is the best way for fungi to grow? You must give it as mushroom as possible!
I am terrified of people who urinate quietly.
After all, all psychos have a silent p.
I was just reading an article called "10 most scenic runs"... the third one was with you!
Have you seen Jake’s new custom trumpet? Yeah, that’s quite a unique horn, I’d know it anywhere.
How does a baby beetle get around?
In a buggy.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it
How many berries could a bare berry carry,
if a bare berry could carry berries?
Well they can't carry berries
(which could make you very wary)
but a bare berry carried is more scary!
Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?
Who were the first cheese lovers ever?
Edam and Eve.
Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"
Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"
Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
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