What does Cinderella usually wear at the beach?
Glass flippers!
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
French history is nothing to Lafayette at.
Hey, babe. I think it's time we take our relationship to the previous level.
What did the deer say to her daughter?
“Soon you’ll be all doe-n up!”
I was going to shave my face but my razor was blunt.
It said, "You look ugly without a beard."
It’s so hot you discover that it only takes 2 fingers to drive your car.
I created a presentation on my computer but didn't use password protection...
Now it has visual aids.
What sound does a turkey's phone make? Wing! Wing!
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
What did the zombie call the girl he was dating?
His ghoul-friend.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
What fruit do vampire bats like the best?
Neck-tarines.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
Did you hear about the cow that was lifted into the air by a tornado? It was an udder disaster!
Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!
Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!
It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
How do you catch a monkey?
Climb a tree and act like a banana.
The computer had to visit the dentist at the very earliest opportunity as it had a BlueTooth!
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Floss Vegas.
Never laugh at your spouse’s choice… You’re one of them.
For goat’s sake, that’s enough.
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
"Darling, you're on fire. Like doughnut grease."
- Duck Dynasty
What side of a tiger has the most stripes? The outside.
Q: What do you call a scary berry?
A: A boo-berry.
My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't stop making monster puns.
So I guess our relationship might as well be ogre.
The zombie worked for years to win this prize. He showed real dead-ication.
Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
Did you hear about the bird that couldn’t pass environmental legislation?
He was a lame duck.
What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.
I like big books and I cannot lie.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.
What did Santa name his dog? Santa Paws!
What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate
What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?
Nothing. It goes right through them.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
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