Just received Areal Flood Advisory notification on my phone
I should hope it's a real one, the fake ones are just annoying.
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!
If I was your heart would you let me beat?
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
We should've guessed the failed postman wouldn't be any better at delivering his acting lines.
An owl had a sore throat but wasn't bothered.
He couldn't give a hoot.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
How many sheets could a sheet slitter slit if a sheet slitter could slit sheets?
I thought this was a bar, but I must be in a museum because you’re a piece of art.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
What does an ice cream lawyer say?
You got served.
What do you call a parrot with an umbrella? Polly unsaturated.
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
If H20 is water, then what is H204? It’s for drinking, washing and swimming, of course!
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
Call me AC/DC, because I'm gonna rock you all night long!
In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked. It was earie.
You've really struck a gourd with me...
Did you hear about the boat dock that committed murder?
He’s going to be judged by a jury of its piers.
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time? You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
What is the favorite Mexican food of snowman?
Brrrr – itos.
Whenever you and me get together, it's like superposition of 2 waves in phase.
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?
He was afraid the ring would give him away.
No one could tame the unicorn. He was horn to be wild.
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
What do you call seasoned and dried robot meat?
Beep chirpy
What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.
Please excuse my resting beach face.
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
I think we may have been transported to the surface of Mercury because things became unbelievably hot when you walked into the room.
What did the skydiver say in autumn? I love the fall.
My mom told me that sitting on a computer 8 hours a day in unhealthy
I said: But, mom that's why I am using a chair.
I hear your thirsty? Well I've got a six pack right here!
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
Why did the aging bread roll retire?
Her career was already toast.
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
What does a cheese like to drink after a long day?
Morbier.
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
I dare you to lie that you didn’t find all these space puns hilarious. Th
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
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