“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
Are you a Victoria's Secret model? Because heaven's missing an Angel.
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
The football won’t be the only thing spiked at this party.
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
What were the ponies most excited for in the meal?
The main horse.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
Lots of eggs-ercise!
Your presents is requested.
What did the koala write in his Valentine’s Day card to his girlfriend? “I love you-calyptus”.
The ad said "Free Violin", but there were strings attached...
What did the penny say to the other penny? We make perfect cents.
What would a pineapple say to a pineapple pie? You have some crust.
What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
What’s a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
I just got fired from my theatre job. I guess I should've made a bigger scene about it.
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
What is the difference between a deer nut and a beer nut?
“A beer nut is often more than a buck but a deer nut is always under a buck.”
Can I get your number?
One call, that's all.
What does a Clydesdale say when you offer them a carrot?
“Of course, my horse.”
What do you say when two red blood cells get married?
Coagulations!
What did the river say when it saw beavers for the first time? “Well, I’ll be dammed.”
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye
How does a potato win at Street Fighter? By mashing the kick button.
My love for you is like this hike. It goes on and on.
What is an astronauts favorite chocolate? A marsbar!
Want to hear a joke about weather?
Actually, never mind. I'll just save it for a rainy day.
What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
I'm saving for a rainy day, so far I've collected a couple of raincoats, an anorak, and a dinghy.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!
What kind of gun would a cat have?
A Mauser.
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy? Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
What do you call a window that raps? 2PANEZ
Why couldn't the skeleton play football?
He didn't have the guts.
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
Why is Frankenstein always asking for help?
He’s looking for someone to give him a hand.
It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
What kind of key does a ghost use to unlock his room? A spoo-key.
I'm local, all natural, homemade and certified organic: wanna taste?
What do pizza delivery guys and porn stars both see too much of?
Stiff tips.
How do two cherries make up after an argument? They cherry the hatchet.
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