Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor you let me in or I`ll climb through the window.
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
My mother's mother hit the jackpot at the BINGO!!!
She's a grammy winner!
Just a buffalo laying down, bisoness as usual.
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
How does Santa look after the grass on his three gardens? Ho, ho ho.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
Golf is what you play…
When you’re too out of shape to play softball.
I used to own a raven. It could speak English, but the only word it could speak was "car".
"Have an egg-cellent Easter."
The two of us go perfectly together like hydrogen and oxygen.
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
How do you make a glow worm happy?
Cut off his tail, he’ll be de-lighted!
As it snow happens.
I’m like a boomerang. I just keep coming back to you.
Blood is red, cyanosis is blue, I get tachycardia when I think of you!
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
Why did the banana tree have to make a doctor’s appointment during the hurricane? Her fruit was peeling under the weather.
When should you take a cookie to the doctor? When it feels crummy. What do the cookie and the computer have in common? They both have chips.
“Yoga instructor just emailed to say class is moved and thanks for our flexibility.” – Unknown
What do aliens prefer to drink?
Gravi-tea.
Even the most powerful storms of Jupiter couldn’t keep me from you!
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I don't think there's anything hotter than chocolate but hey! There you are in front of me.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
Hey pretty lady, let me take you out on a first date in the snow. I promise I’m not a flakey person.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
What’s black and white and bounces?
A rubber panda.
Why did the bus driver quit his job? It was driving him mad.
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
Can February march?
No, but April may.
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
That look soots you.
Honestly, I'm into necrophilia. Wanna come home and play dead?
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
If there was no gravity on this planet, I would still fall for you.
What does Frosty the Snowman do to combat his worries about melting?
Take a chill pill!
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
If we were playing tennis, I'd let you score all the points so I'll always be in love.
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
The watermelon thief was charged with robbery with violence, but the judge later changed that to a minor felony; or melony as he put it.
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
Reading whilst sunbathing? You must be well-red!
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.