What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost!
Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.
What lives at the North Pole and is green, white, and red all over?
A sunburned elf!
Jokes are a lot like American football.
If you haven't gotten anywhere with the first three tries, you'll need to rely on your punner.
"Sweet Tooth Andy"
Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.
– Denise Rodgers
How do baseball players stay in contact with each other?
They touch base every once in a while.
What’s a gorilla’s favourite pop group? A: Bananarama!
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
Are you a supermarket sample? Because I don’t want to be ashamed of tasting you over and again.
Are your legs tired from spinning, or because you've been running through my mind all day?
Why are witches good at farming?
Because they love occult-ivation.
What are unsolved murders called when it happens in a society of crows? Murder mysteries.
What’s a spiders favorite barbecue food?
Corn on the cobweb.
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
It was so hot that the bee's perm had become extremely unmanageable, so she turned into a frizzbee.
Your lab or my lab?
I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who love meat tender.
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.
Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...
Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.
What do you call a rabbit who is angry over getting burnt? A hot cross bunny.
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
What's red and has 7 dents in it?
Snow white's cherry!
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
How did the hammerhead do on his test?
He nailed it.
Golfer: The doctor says I can’t play golf.
Caddie: Oh, he’s played with you, too, eh?
Are you maple syrup? ‘Cause you taste so sweet.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
What is brown and sticky?
A stick!
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
What is the most disgusting perfume ever made?
Eau de colon.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
Why are cats bad at telling stories? Because they only have one tail!
I was talking to this guy about how I hate geometry. You know what he said to me.
You just have to look at it from a different angle.
I'm arresting you for breaking the 8th amendment because you...are excessively fine!
If there was a material made of milk which could store electricity...
...it would be called buttery.
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
You must be Niagara Falls because you’ve taken my breath away.
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