What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
The clients who buy from our gardening store are grass-ured that the artificial lawn grass would not lose its color with use.
What is a car’s favourite colour?
Racing car green.
What part of the military do zombies serve in?
The marine corpse.
What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon? Bridge over troubled water.
My love for you is like cancer, it just keeps growing and growing.
Q: Why did the orange cross the road?
A: Because everyone thought he was a chicken.
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
The snowman keeps having tantrums, they're real meltdowns!
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
I found out yesterday that the Mexican dish ghosts like the most is a boo-ritto.
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
Where is the best place to get camel milk?
Straight from the Dromedairy.
The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick.
Here’s more proof that I’ve gone off the deep end.
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
I was at a thrift store and the guy ahead of me was purchasing an antique urn made in Greece
He asked the cashier if she knew how much a Greek urns.
Pete's pa pete poked to the pea patch to pick a peck of peas for the poor pink pig in the pine hole pig-pen.
Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice? It said concentrate.
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
-
"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
What is an owl’s favorite Beatles’ song?
Owl you need is love.
You're like Newton's laws.
Not perfect, but good enough.
There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Hello Boo-tiful.
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
A robot is eating a hard drive for lunch.
The robot's friend asks for a bite and the robot says "Sure, but just a small bite." His friend takes a bite and the robot shouts, "Hey! That's a megabyte!"
Why don’t cars enjoy long drives?
They find them a drag.
The soup that my mom made for dinner healed my flu in a day. It was almost soup-er natural.
What do you call a bear with no arms and no legs?
An ambulance. This is no time for jokes.
Which religious figure does dairy products worship? Cheese-us!
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
Was the koala able to complete the grueling 26-mile marathon? Bearly.
Hey, can I get your number so I can use you as an alibi?
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"
What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad?
Star Warts.
What do you do if you spill maple syrup all over your keyboard?
Just turn off sticky keys.
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
Who turns the lights off on Halloween?
The light's witch.
How should you greet a Ghost? - Long time, no see.
I wanna live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
How much does a polar bear weight? Enough to break the ice!
Which is the building is the largest? The library because it has the most stories.
Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.
My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...
He took part.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!
- Denise Rodgers
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