“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx

Why did the girl pour glue into her fishbowl?
She wanted to make a fish stick!

"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey

Falling in love with you takes less time than my DNA takes to replicate.

“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser

Why don't turkeys like math?
Because when they added three to five...
They got Ate.
---
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
Enough drumstics for a month.

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!

When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.

They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.

You can toast my marshmallows anytime.

Why did Iron Man sleep outside when it rained?
To get some rust.

55. How do you tell a car you are supporting it?

‘We are routing for you!’

"I don't bite, you know... unless it's called for."
- Audrey Hepburn, Charade (1963)

"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown

I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues

"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes

What movie perfectly describes the corona virus?
No country for old men.

"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."

- Mae West

I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.

"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck

I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”

Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.

In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Two 4's.
Two 4's who?
No need to make lunch we already 8.

While I was riding my bike, there was a big tropical storm. I decided to cyclone.

How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
Lots of eggs-ercise!

It's so cold that polar bears wear jackets.

Why are football players not allowed in bowling alleys?
After getting a strike, they spike the ball.

Q: What does a tiger call an antelope?
A: Fast food.

What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!

What do you call the dandruff found on unicorn manes? Horn flakes.

If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.

(By Steve Mckee)

I hate spelling errors. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.

How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.

It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.

What did the goat say when he woke up on a train?
I have no idea how I goat here.

Man: Are those space pants.
Woman: No!, They're softball pants because my ass is out of your league.

What kind of motorbike do elves ride to work?
A Holly Davidson!

What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.

Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco? He pulled a muscle

What do you call it when you have proof that you bought a wig?
A receipting hairline

Why did the baseball player decide to shut down his website?
It just wasn't getting any hits.

What's faster - lightning, light, or diarrhea?
Diarrhea. Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.

My Chiropractor is serious is as hell
But he always cracks me up.

Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.

What is writing in sand called?
Sandscript.

Are you a fire detector?
Because you're loud and annoying.

I love a good shindig. Just call me Napoleon Bonapart-y.

What do you call a bee trying to make up its mind?
A maybee