Where do chess grandmasters keep their pet snakes?
In a chesst.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?
My wife and I went hiking and got lost. I lost my temper and she was so upset she threw the map at me.
Now I know where we stand.
Why don’t kangaroos make good sailors?
Because they’re always jumping ship.
"I Love to Hate You"
Just one look at you
Tempting me, teasing me, tormenting me
I hate the feelings you evoke
Greed
Desire
Lust
Just want to hold you, devour you
I don’t want to see you go
But I can never resist the last chocolate in the box!
— Jan Allison
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
What do you call someone with Yellow hair on the beach?
A beach blond.
A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was/
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek."
In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.
It was mitten in the stars.
The main difference between the weather and a horse is that one rains down while the other is reined up.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
We’ll have a ball.
Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
Strawberries are only made in the strawberry plant.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
Crows go, listen, perform, and enjoy live music, at cawnsorts.
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
Why were the two retinas such good friends?
They always saw eye-to-eye.
Took a tour of Pisa, Italy...
Tour guide said “Hello, my name is Eileen.”
Roses are red, violets are blue, how would you like it if I came home with you?
Call me Pooh. Because all I want is you, honey!
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.
Why doesn’t Frankenstein go on airplanes?
He can’t get past the airport metal detector.
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
What do you get when you cross a goblin, a stop sign, and immortality?
An everlasting gobstopper!
My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.
I replied, "Sorry I'm fresh out of computer chips."
I don't need 3D glasses to see how beautiful you are!
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the the peep hole and find out.
Dr. Phil says that I am afraid of a commitment. Do you want to prove him wrong?
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar.
They take their seat and ask the bartender for two draft beers.
The bartender looks at them and says “sorry guys, we don’t serve breakfast here.”
Are you a banana? Because I find you a-peeling
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