I really hate rock puns.
My sediments exactly.
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
Did you just fart?
Why, because I blew you away?
No, because you smell like sh*t.
How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?
Buoyant!
How was heaven when you left it?
You're that ugly that if I could do myself, I wouldn't need you.
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
Inviting cherries over for a drinks party is easy. Simply start your invitation with “You are cordially invited…”
It is October and there are still leaves on trees. I am very corn-fused!
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
What do trees drink at their parties? Root beer.
Peas excuse how bad this pun is.
"Daddy Neck Stretchers"
A long neck giraffe,
I saw it at the zoo.
And I wished my head
could be up high, too!
Daddy, I asked,
Why is my neck so small?
I want a giraffe's neck,
long and tall.
Then I could touch
the sky so blue,
just like the giraffe's
with his neck-tall view.
I need a neck stretcher.
Daddy, please get me one.
To be high up in the air,
would be so much fun!
Suddenly, Up! Up! Up!
I felt myself rise!
With my head in the clouds,
I was no longer kid-sized.
Next to the giraffe,
I sat proud and tall.
My daddy's the best
neck stretcher of all.
– Darlene Gifford
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
This limerick isn’t a stretch.
It’s about an unfortunate wretch.
A werewolf pursued him.
How did he elude him?
He threw it a stick and yelled, “Fetch!”
Why did the bus driver eat a burger? He wanted to 'bus-t' his energy!
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
Dad Bee left. Mama Bee calls out ...
Honeycomb home!
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table?
She was hogging all the food!
Why can't Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
Would you like to come to my place and light my Yule log?
"Be kind, re-wine."
Was Just showing my dad my new living space. He asked “what’s upstairs?”
I Just responded with “dad, stairs don’t talk.”
I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...
She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.
What's a prisoners favorite building materials? Steal n cement.
The scientist was meticulous about his strawberry pies. He rounded up the protein content of his pie at 3.14.
What happens when two frogs collide?
They get tongue tied.
What type of dog doesn’t bark?
A hush puppy.
Girl, your personality is so magnetic I think our protons are in alignment.
What time do zombies wake up?
At ate o’clock!
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
Honestly, I really lilac you.
In a conversation between one pin and another, one said, “Let us never split.”
What kind of berry has a coloring book? A crayon-berry
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
Where do computers go to dance?
The disk-O.
When the onion band covered the song Waka Waka by Shakira, they started calling the song 'Walla Walla'.
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.
Accidentally ran over a French seal today .
Phoque.
I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
It was a cider attack.
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
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