Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
What does a flower do when they get caught in a lie?
Backpetal.
What did the mama elf say to her mischievous child?
“Stop elvesdropping on Santa!”
I’d better get a library card, because I’m checking out of this relationship.
If you must cross a course cross cow across a crowded cow crossing, cross the cross coarse cow across the crowded cow crossing carefully.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
Why do hitters find it so hard to be productive when they are indoors? They always work on an angle to play outside.
Q: Which basketball players eat fruits?
A: The ones who like to cherry pick.
You must be the iceberg from Titanic and I'm the ship because tonight we're gonna smash.
Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
Wine puns. They're always in pour taste.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
Your batteries must be low after hiking all day. Can I recharge them?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to open the door.
What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!
My neighbour always thinks he knows more about the weather than me
The guy is a real snow it all.
Time to celery-brate.
My love for you burns stronger than my urinary tract infection.
I warned farmer Brown not to pamper that cow too much because it would wind up giving spoiled milk.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
What happened when the tiger ate the comedian?
He felt funny!
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
What did the fishermen say to the fish that swam away? "You bass-tard!"
What did the ghost teacher say to her class? - Look at the board and I’ll go through it, again.
Why did the bus stop in the middle of the street? It saw a zebra crossing.
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him?
The Bartender.
Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.
I got arrested for the way I eat corn.
They charged me with a salt and buttery.
How to spot the best mechanic?
The brightest bulb.
There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.
When does a sloth go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
Where do bananas go to learn to be sweet?
Sundae School.
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
"My Cat Is Fat"
I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.
Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.
So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.
– James McDonald
What do you call a Belgian who's bad at grammar?
An twerp.
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
What do you call a rifle that shoots salt?
A salt rifle.
Ruby, or not Ruby…that may be one question, but mine is actually will you go out with me?
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
What did the confused cat say? I’m purr-plexed!
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
Where my prose at?
Are you an astronaut? Because I need some space.
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
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