Here's a raisin. Sorry if it is not enough but I can give you a date on Saturday.
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
I bought my wife a matching belt and bag for Valentine's Day
She should have that vacuum up and running in no time.
What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
What do skiers order at fast food restaurants?
Icebergers with Chilly Sauce, on the slide.
My friend thought ketchup didn’t exist
So I told him to check his sauces.
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
Why does the ocean roar?
You would too if you had crabs on your bottom.
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
What do you say to an avocado who’s done a good job?
“Bravocado!”
Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.
As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."
I know a man whose last name is Storm
He has three daughters: Summer, April, and Haley.
While cutting the onions, my eyes were leek-ing tears
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
Was a bit lonely by myself at home last night on Valentine's Day so I decided to make my own bread.
I was feeling quite kneady
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
The moon asked the sun: Buddy when you are so hot, why are you single yet?
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
I hate oranges. Will you be my main squeeze?
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!
Why did the giraffe get bad grades? He had his head in the clouds.
My friend was telling me about how a shark attacked her while she was diving
I told her, that bites.
I used to hate peas. I like them now, I just make sure I think of them as 'o's.'
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
I used to love puns about throwing things, but now I don’t.
It was just a fling.
What kind of magazine does a rock like to read?
Rolling Stone.
How do baseball players stay in contact with each other?
They touch base every once in a while.
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.
What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”
Why was Pegasus such a good ballerina?
He was flo-wing.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
The last four letters of 'queue' are not silent
They're just waiting their turn.
I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
I see a sea down by the seashore.
But which sea do you see down by the seashore?
Wayne went to Wales to watch walruses.
If you understand, say "understand".
If you don't understand, say "don't understand".
But if you understand and say "don't understand".
how do I understand that you understand. Understand!?
Cows get sad whenever they hear the songs of the pop band 'The Mooooo-dy Blues!'
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
Is that the Dog star? You can’t be Sirius!
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
Because it looks like you landed on your face.
There once was a child in Spain.
Who loved to play in the rain.
One day he tripped.
And broke his hip.
Now he is in serious pain.
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
You know you're texting too much when...
you try to text, but you're on a landline!
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
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