The best way to get back at someone is to push them in the snow; after all, revenge is a dish best served cold.
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu
What did the deer say to her daughter?
“Soon you’ll be all doe-n up!”
Where do you send turtles who commit crimes?
To the shell-block.
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
I've been called a dirty player but lets just see how dirty we can get tonight.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
Life is better when we stick together.
A lot of people can't figure out the right way to dry their towels.
It's just something they tend to get hung up on.
What’s the biggest danger of building a snow dog?
Frostbite!
Vampires make awful businessmen. They just can't deal with the stakeholders.
You seem to be traveling at the speed of light because time always seems to stop when I look at you.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
Please keep your distance. I might fall for you.
Hey, I don’t know what you think of me but I hope it’s X-rated.
"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
Wow. You sure are excited to see me!
It’s easy to spot a sad flamingo. They get really blue.
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
What is a knight who has traveled all across the earth with a ship known as? He is known as Sir Cumnavigator.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
What type of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending
There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.
There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
What's taken before you get it? Your picture.
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
Everywhere’s a palace when I get to be with Alice
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
"Can you empty your pocket? I believe you have stolen my heart."
- Leverage
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
Our local winery recently starting using a flock of sheep to keep the grass from getting too long.
At least that's what I herd through the grapevine.
Roses are red, violets are blue, with you in my head, this cow goes moooo.
How did the monster predict his future?
With the horror-scope!
Why can't buses make friends? Because they only pick up strangers!
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
What does a giant Tyrannosaurus eat? Anything she wants!
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
My dad always used to tell me, "Never put all your eggs in one basket."
Which is probably why we lost the Easter egg hunt.
Did you know that bread that you make into buns is always relaxed? Yes, they just like to roll with it.