Octopus ocular optics.
What do they call a wild elf in Texas?
Gnome on the range!
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
You must be from Quebec because these feelings I have for you are Mont-real.
I love you berry much.
How do ponies react when the opposing team comes on the field?
They horse-boo.
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
What did the earth say to all the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
Knock Knock.
Who’s there? Donut. Donut who? Donut ask, it’s a secret!
Why are boy keyboards scared of girl keyboards?
They don't want to get qwerties.
What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
Are you a campfire? Cause you are hot and I want s’more.
What's the most popular American cheese sitcom? Curd Your Enthusiasm
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
I hooked a stereo up to my recliner.
Now it's a rocking chair.
Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco? He pulled a muscle
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
Where do you find giant snails?
At the end of a giant’s finger.
How does an antisocial crow say about a family party? "It was murder".
What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.
Call me Rudolph, because you just sleighed me.
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
What do you call it when you get a month’s worth of rain at once?
England.
I would flirt with you, but I'd rather seduce you with my awkwardness From a distance.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
Who’s at the door?
It’s snowbody.
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
What is the difference between a chemist and a geologist? While a geologist will drink anything fermented, a chemist just
drinks anything that is distilled.
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...
My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...
He took part.
happens when you bother the parietal lobe?
It gets very touchy.
The last one to the top of the mountain has to buy dinner.
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
The great Greek grape growers grow great Greek grapes.
All I want is to fill that vacuum in your heart.
Can I tell you a joke about paper. Nah, never mind, its tearable.
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.
Why do cows think cooks are mean?
They whip cream.
What do you call the least popular color in the rainbow? The weakest pink.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
Hey baby, the sun is not the only thing that rises.
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
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