What do you call a cow that only produces almond milk? One that went nuts.
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
What happens when you’re alone and you get too cold.
You’re totally ice-olated.
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
Why do skeletons never move?
Because they have too much Skelatonin.
What do you call a monkey who can’t keep a secret?
A blab-boon.
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
Are you a classic? Because my love for you is timeless.
How do you catch a squirrel who's interested in ornithology?
Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch.
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.
Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
"Baby, let me hack your pentagon."
- Person of Interest
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
Never tell a taco a secret
It will spill the beans
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
Is there such a thing
As turkey in a can?
If there is, I will buy it;
It doesn’t matter the manufacturer’s land.
As long as it’s edible, I’ll dig in deep.
I can no longer eat
My wife’s Thanksgiving meat.
- Natasha Niemi
Where did the Terminator find extra olive oil??
Aisle B, back.
Where do gnomes first go when they log on to the internet?
The gnome page of course!
If you have a parrot, it says a lot about you!
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
Side effects may include infatuation, racing heart, and lowered inhibitions.
My dad always used to tell me, "Never put all your eggs in one basket."
Which is probably why we lost the Easter egg hunt.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
What did the mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra.
Where do Russians get their milk?
From Mos-cows.
What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
What is the favorite chess move of ants with bladder problems?
En pissant.
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated? Turkey.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
Namastay here or come home with me?
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
No intentional frowning is allowed here.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
Jameson on St. Patrick’s Day? It’s worth a shot.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
Who does May like the best?
April Showers, because April Showers brings May flowers!
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