What do you call an explosive horse?
Neigh-palm.
Why should you never rob a bank with a pig?
They always squeal.
Where does a fish keep his money In the River Bank!
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
The artist shouldn't have taken that sculpture for granite, now it's stone-cold.
Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
What do citrus fruits use to get dates?
Pickup limes.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
What advice did the grandpa pig have for his kids?
“Don’t take anything for grunted.”
Do you like interjections? YES? NO! GOOD!
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
Knock Knock Jokes
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Canoe.
Canoe who?
Canoe help me with my homework?
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
If you are going to sleep, I wish you suite dreams.
Riding a camel really isn't as hard as they say it is.
Once you get over the first hump, the rest is easy.
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
How many drum sets can you store on a sofa?
One per cushion
What's it called when a buffalo turns two hundred years old?
A Bisontennial!
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian...
Then Soviet
What kind of flower doesn't sleep at night? The Day-zzz
It’s pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
What do you do when you are in the wrong seat?
Stand corrected
What do alligators and Windows have in common?
Neither of them has enough bytes!
What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move? The road!
What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A deviled egg!
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
Hey baby, can I roll up your rim?
What do gnomes love to sing while gardening?
Gnome Worry, Bee Happy.
I think we may have been transported to the surface of Mercury because things became unbelievably hot when you walked into the room.
Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
What is a tree’s favorite geometry shape? The treeangle.
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
What is a garbage disposal’s favorite music group?
NSYNC.
What do you say when your horse proposes to your other horse?
Call the marrier!
Vampires are not even real. Unless you Count Dracula.
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don't eat with your mouth full!
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
Go to BabaMail
