Gold riddance.
There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.
I'm always really disappointed when I pull up to a yard sale...
And they aren't willing to sell me any of their yards.
Usain bolt must be a fruit
Have you seen that mango?
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
I’m positive I just lost an electron.
Better keep an ion that.
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
Which fruity singer was a judge on 'The X Factor'? Cherry Cole.
What did the priest say at the flooding river?
God, dam it!
Is your Spotify working? Because I would love you to join my family plan.
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
Your shirt has to go, but you can stay.
A snapping turtle is a turtle that takes up pgotography.
You must be a keyboard. Because you're just my type.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.
What kind of elf lives in a soda can?
A Sprite!
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
Why are ducks bad drivers?
Their windshields are qwacked.
How come there are no automatic cars in Spain?
They’re all Manuel.
My decision to become a Hindu was a missed steak
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand]
Cat: You're one short buddy.
No intentional frowning is allowed here.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
What did the Mexican heavy metal guitarist say to his bandmates?
“Rock out with your guac out.”
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
I was going to call you beautiful, but then I realized I don’t have your number yet.
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
What dog does Dracula own?
A blood-hound.
You dropped something. My jaw.
Time to celery-brate.
This year I'm carving my pumpkin to look like an intricate ball of rope, so it can be a gourd-ian knot.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
What do skeletons put in their photocopiers?
Skeletoner
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.
Readers do it between the covers (or alternately, readers do it between the sheets).
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence
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