What do you call it when Dr. Frankenstein makes tea?
A monstrositea.
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
I was gonna make a joke about Mediterranean food...
But hummus have missed the mark, and now I falafel.
Goldfish Is Saved From Drowning
Where do Danish players aim with the puck? Top kroner.
Did you hear about the two bats meeting? It was love at first bite!
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
If you were a vegetable you'd be a cutecumber.
What job did Dracula’s son have on his little league team?
Bat boy!
What kind of whale can fly?
A Pilot whale.
Did you hear about the constipated crocodile?
It was a crockashit.
How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
Are you a parking ticket? Because you're evidence that I made a mistake.
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
What kind of gun would a cat have?
A Mauser.
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
Blue and orange are always polite and amicable with each other because they are complementary colors.
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
I got fired for eating chips at work.
Well I really hated my job at the casino anyways.
The tree got so tired of fighting with autumn, that he said, "Enough is enough! I'm leaf-ing".
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
When does a turkey go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
What do cows sing at their friend’s birthday parties?
“Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo!"
"An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare."
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
What kind of key does a ghost use to unlock his room? A spoo-key.
Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.
My life-long rival just beat my record for deep-sea diving.
This is a new low.
Are you a dictator? Because you have absolute power over me.
Passenger: One ticket to New York, please.
Bus Driver: By way of Buffalo?
Passenger: No, by bus!
I always invite the mushroom to my party because he is such a fun-guy.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
Do you know what is so special about the alphabet soup of Twitter? It only allows 140 letters.
"Month of May"
For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.
For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.
Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
What did one witch's cat say to the other?
You look familiar.
I expected some baggage with our relationship but I didn’t expect the cargo of the Titanic to come floating to the surface.
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
What does Satan shave with?
A hell razor.
We've been driving all day, I need a brake.
My suitcase started crying when I picked it up. I was carrying emotional baggage.
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
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