What does it take to become a zombie?
Dead-ication.
A vampire can't be a comedian. They just aren't funny, and worst of all they always know they suck.
Your gloves are nice. Where did you get them?
You’re photos are so great, would it be weird if I made you my screen Xavier?
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
What's the article of winter clothing most appropriate for Valentine's Day?
's mitten.
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
Synonym rolls: just like grammar used to make.
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
Son: Hey Dad, why do you have your ear right up to that computer?
Dad: I’m listening to A Dell
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
You're like my favourite chocolate bar - half sweet and half nuts!
Busy Cat
I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming
How do you plan to shell-ebrate the New Year?
There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.
Packing is my expertise. So, I can easily fit into your heart.
Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
I think you are just A-Cora-able
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
Are you a healing plant? Because Aloe you Vera much
What do you call an owl dressed in armor?
A knight owl.
Someone told me I looked like a salt shaker. I took it as a condiment.
What do you call a gorilla with a million dollars?
A gorillanaire
Love me do
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...
She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
“A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
Two European frogs discuss their ancestry
"So, are you a complete french frog?"
"No. I'm a tad-pole."
What's the most common form of owl-on-owl violence?
Drive by hooting.
when I smelled breakfast in the morning it was bacon me eggcited.
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
Would you describe yourself as a ternary? Because you have a lovely form.
Whale, whale, whale…
If it isn’t a pod.
"Sorry I stopped contacting you. I had to go back to rehab."
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
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