What did you call an awesome geologist? A rockstar!
Why didn't the ghost dance at the party? He had no body to dance with.
Man: What are you looking at?
Woman: Somethin ugly!
I think I’m developing tics. I just can’t help but wink at you.
Q. What do you call a gorilla who studies large primates and has great grades?
A. Ape lust student.
What does a polite vampire say to its victim?
- Fang you very much.
After bidding farewell to my neurosurgeon friend, we promised that we would grey in touch!
"The Little Turtle"
There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.
He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.
He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.
– Vachel Lindsay
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
I've already heard seven cancer puns today.
If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
Why was the werewolf arrested at the butchers shop?
He was caught chop lifting.
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
Why won't the dog listen to the farmer's sheep jokes?
He's herd them all.
This pizza party is the perfect topping to a great summer.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
I thought I saw some fog yesterday.
But I guess my memory’s a little cloudy.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
Hey babe, now that the season's over, lets go back to my place and watch the highlight film.
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
My dad always said the secret to theatre was to always leave them wanting more.
He was a great guy but a terrible anaesthetist.
Can I bother you for an aspirin tablet? Just looking at you from across the room is giving me heart-related pains.
How does a horse make paper mâché?
With newspaper clip-clop-pings.
I was supposed to solve for X. I am so glad that I found U instead.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
My dog wants to be a tradesman.
I think he wants to be a woof-er.
What did the bat complain about?
Flying with such frequency was exhausting.
After all is red and done, all the colors in the rainbow are equally beautiful.
Which vegetable is most likely to be your friend?
The broccoli.
Up for some action? I can finish with one touch.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
Are you an astronaut? Because I need some space.
Q: Why couldn’t the orange believe that her friend had let her down?
A: This was because citrus-ted him!
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
What happens when you cross a cell phone with a skunk?
You get stinky service!
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them.
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
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