For you, nothing in this world
I would ever trade
You are more precious to me
Than a dazzling Jade
From every troubles of life
You have given me bail
Today I promise that for you
My love will never fail
What is suns favourite chocolate bar?
A milky way
What is a cat’s favorite deal? Buy one, get one furry.
I’d be Ryan if I said you weren’t cute
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
- Hey, graduate student Minotaur, what are you up to today?
- Not much, just working on my Theseus.
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
How did Frankenstein know Jesus was coming for a visit?
He used his frankincense.
I was recently fired from my job operating rides at the carnival
My lawyer has advised suing for funfair dismissal.
My flower blooms whenever I see your beautiful face, I hope you know what I mean.
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
I had to clean my filter twice after I saw how beautiful you are because I couldn’t believe my Arabicas.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
If you give me your number, I promise to spam you with pictures of cute puppies on a daily basis.
Unicorns deserve to be banned from facebook because all they do is poke people all day.
hat’s the most sophisticated kind of bread?
The upper crust.
What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.
Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.
Many people think that the Abominable Snowman doesn't exist...
Yeti does.
What's a woman and a tea bag got in common?
You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.
What do you call 2 fruits that can't get married?
Cantelopes.
Are you my new favorite song? Because I'd like to hear you on repeat.
"That's all, yolks."
Are sasquatches superstitious?
Yes, they always knock on wood!
Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?
He was Stalin.
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.
What happened when a bat misbehaved in night school?
She got suspended.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? An outboard apple.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.
What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
Hey Girl! Are you a software program?
Because you've been running in my memory all day.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
A really leery Larry rolls readily to the road.
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
What did the gorilla wear when he was cooking in the kitchen?
An ape-ron
Woah! What’s the name of THIS out-of-the-world body?
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
You might be startled to see a hamburger working out in your local gym. Don’t worry, they’re just there because they want better buns.
What did the stimulus do to the neuron after they got married?
Carried it over the threshold.
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