I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least they were free so I took some.
Did you hear about the cows struck by lightning?
They were completely cattletonic!
I’m super friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.
Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.
What’s the first line of the pig bible? “In the bacon-ing…”
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
What do you call a squirrel with no nuts?
A female squirrel.
What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.
Why did the junkie adopt a one legged crow?
So he could get crow cane from his vet.
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?
Swing.
What do chickens study in school?
Eggonomics.
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming figures
Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
Would you describe yourself as a ternary? Because you have a lovely form.
What has four legs and one arm?
A rottweiler at a park.
Will you come to my place? You can sure lower my heating bill with your hotness.
What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.
The stage is the most hygienic place in the world. Every time we turn on the lights they get a wash.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...
Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall."
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Wayne went to Wales to watch walruses.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark you still seem to shine.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
Most unicorns start off as poor hunters until they can really horn their skills.
A man went to buy long underwear cause the weather was getting cold. The cashier asked " How long would you like them"
"From march to September", said the man.
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
Is this the registration table? Because I need a number from you.
What does a skunk’s car run on?
Fumes.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
Why are bananas never lonely?
Because they hang around in bunches.
Do you want to cosine on a mortgage with me?
What do a phone and an engaged girl have in common? They both have rings.
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
Side effects may include infatuation, racing heart, and lowered inhibitions.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer? A loose Canon.
Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!
Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
What do you call dogs who pay in the snow?
Slush puppies.
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