I'm having a sale in my bedroom. My clothes are 100% off.
When we cross a deer and a mouse, what would we get?
“Mickey Moose!”
What is a bear’s favorite drink?
Koka-Koala.
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
What happened when the bear applied at the movie theater?
He was told he was not koala-fied.
If there's a will, there's a wave.
That’s a bit mulch.
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
Someone just stole some grass from my garden.
Strange I know, thought robbers stuck to their own turf.
A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.
I was walking by a yard sale the other day.
I saw a radio for $1. The volume dial was broken but I knew I couldn’t turn that down.
I had a goat’s cheese pizza the other day.
He wasn’t happy.
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
Why doesn't cheddar like to party with crackers? Someone always cuts the cheese.
If my love were music, you'd be the most beaituful lyrics in the songbook
What is a definition of art theft? The haul of frames.
Are you from Starbucks because I like you a latte!
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?
Momorial Day
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
How did the shark do on his test?
Fin-Tastic!
Thinking about selling my crab so i could make money. Then I realised "am I really this shellfish"?
The only difference between pea soup and roast beef is anyone can roast beef.
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
What does an alcoholic flower say when they reach out for help?
Lilac the ability to stop.
You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?
My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
Why did a pirate leave the boat to get his forgotten cell phone? Booty calls.
Mom, what do we have for dinner? I cannot tell you, son, it is a soup-rise! Is it soup? I soup-pose it would be.
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch?
Because he was stuffed.
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lily.
During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.
I ain’t a personal trainer, but I can host a one-on-one workout !
We could do some cardio at your place
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
We like to paddy.
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
The strawberry was scared of the cream. They were afraid it had gone bad.
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
What’s an apple’s favorite movie? Mr and Mr Smith.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" and I thought to myself...
“That’s just spam.”
The skeleton didn't mind that everyone called him a bonehead.
What did the zombie get when she was late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
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