What do you call a winged insect that hits home runs?
A fly swatter.
Baby, you make my rover raise its mast into a vertical position.
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
This Valentine's day, I decided to pay extra and buy flowers that look after themselves.
They are Self Raising.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
What's yellow and writes? A ball-point banana.
You raise the bar.
Knock, knock
Who’s there? CIA CIA, who? CI ate your last doughnut!
How does a penguin make pancakes?
With its flippers.
Why should you never expect perfection from geologists?
Because they all have their faults.
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
A friend of mine lost the right side of of his brain in a car accident, but he wouldn’t stop drinking and driving.
No one in their right mind would do that.
A gazillion gigantic grapes gushed
gradually giving gophers gooey guts.
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
Why do Minotaurs make terrible detectives?
Because they hate to go on steak-outs!
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
What is a car’s favourite band?
Van Halen.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
I went to Taco Bell and order nacho fries
the person behind the counter wouldn't give them to me, just kept saying "nacho fries".
I love you more than the sun and moon
I loved you since you left the womb
I love you though you are quite hairy
And I never find it scary
Even when you pick your toes
My love for you only grows
(Anonymous)
Sorry, can you please go away? Everytime you come around you take my breath away.
Why did the chicken cross the road? It was playing crossy road.
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
Is there a bathroom in this tennis club? Because I’m about to drop a deuce.
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdressers?
A middle parting.
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
How do you make an Octopus laugh?
With tentacles!
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
Take a pitcher. It'll last longer.
I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.
Six slimy snails sailed silently.
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
If you were a fishing fly you'd be 'irresistible'.
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