What did the guy at the party say when he realized there was nothing left to dip his tortilla chip in?
“I’ve hit guac bottom.”
Not only did I have a good time at Taco Bell
I had a Baja Blast
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.
He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.
I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.
His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...
I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.
(By Christian M. Mitewu)
What do cats do after watching a play? Give a round of a-paws.
What’s the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
Finally, the call came in and the orange was informed by the person on the other end of the line that the company had orange-d an interview for the following day.
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
Why were the spruces in a group of three? They like to travel as a tree-o.
What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
If you were a tree, you'd be an evergreen, because I bet you look this good year-round.
How will a crow with a cold fever sound like? Caw-ph, Caw-ph.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
I fence-y you.
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."
Why do you only drive automatics?
‘I could never find a manual.’
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
I wasn’t sure if I should make the first move… but I was raised to never Jack down from an opportunity
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
Have you ever tried pineapple milk? Do you know where it comes from? Obviously from the pine – nipples!
Cherries are the worst soft fruits to watch scary movies with. They spend the whole time hiding behind a cushion as they are cherrified.
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
You're like baseball: You make me all nervous
How can you tell that vampires love baseball?
They turn into bats every night.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
What did the owl say to the judge?
I’m talon you, it wasn’t me.
I feel like a Christmas tree when you talk to me because I light up.
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
Was scared to approach you honestly, but I decided to take a Nata-leap of faith.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
What do oranges have after a hard work out? Juice!
What do you call a Grizzly at a nude beach?
Bear Naked.
My dog loves poetry.
Especially William Shakes-paw.
his morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside?
So he walks out the front door, comes back in and says "Both."
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
I was gonna make a joke about Mediterranean food...
But hummus have missed the mark, and now I falafel.
Are you a durian? Because you're a total snack, but you smell like rotting flesh.
I would talk about Valentine’s Day
But it looks like I missed my date.
Your love will always be up to par.
What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
A small arms dealer.
You can bet on firemen at the beach.
It's a shore-fire thing.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
Mmm baby! You’re decomposing in ALL the right places!
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