Q: Why does the cherry have a hard time getting along with others?
A: It has crust issues.
You met all of my koala-fications
The dock keeps floating above the river because of the pier- pressure.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.
I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
How do you know you in "love" with spicy food? After getting to third basil.
Why did the troll kiss the witch?
To keep her busy in love!
My dad's nickname is lightning.
That way I can tell my friends I've been struck by lightning multiple times.
An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
What does the fish say when she disagrees with her husband?
I don’t quite sea it that way.
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
What do you call an ant who won’t go away?
Perman-ant.
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
How do horses greet each other?
“Hayyyyy.”
Why are Ghosts in such good shape? Plenty of exorcise and a good die-t.
Your beauty is a singularity. The force of attraction between us is so powerful.
What's the fastest thing on the river bed?
A motor-pike and side-carp.
My wife showed me two of her mother’s quilts and asked me which one I preferred.
I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements.”
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
Did you get a hair cut?
No, I got them all cut.
What's the most popular American cheese sitcom? Curd Your Enthusiasm
Why is learning to ski in France so difficult?
'Cause sometimes they won't Alp you.
Whenever the peach gets angry, it looks at my face and screams: “You are just a peach of sh*t!”
There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.
The square root of all my fantasies is you.
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
The only ship that has never docked on their harbor is the premiership.
That’s a nice Witch costume, but you won’t be needing the broom anymore, because you’ve already swept me off my feet.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?
Eu-reek-a
My mother loves butter more than I do,
more than anyone. She pulls chunks off
the stick and eats it plain, explaining
cream spun around into butter!
- Elizabeth Alexander
I whisper my sins to crows
So my parents can't hear me confess to a murder
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
Sorry, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. You’re making the other girls look bad.
Are you a 30 degree angle? Because you're acute-y.
I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.
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