“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
Why couldn’t the dog fit in his clothes?
He was a little husky
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
During the contribution’s session, the mushroom family never gave a lot. They were just two spore.
Try to take a tiger from his daddy's side, That's how love gonna keep us tied
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
What’s the best thing to put in a donut?
Your teeth.
A bunch of vampire hunters needed to talk
So they scheduled a stakeholders meeting.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
What do you call a cloud that looks like a mermaid?
Aerial.
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
Panda ghosts love to eat bam-boo.
You're a Catch Worthy of a Gold Glove
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
Because of my rights related to eminent domain, you have to compensate me for stealing my heart.
When is a piece of wood made king? when its a ruler
What do you call a pickle lullaby?
A cucumber slumber number.
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
There’s a new movie out called “The Truck.” I’ve seen the trailer, it looks great.
Someone said you were looking for me.
There’s only one thing in the truck world that is bigger than a tow truck, and that’s a foot truck.
Why did Billy make a bunch of snowmen to be his friends?
Because he wanted to hang with the cool kids!
Why did the computer spy get fired?
She couldn't hack it.
My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.
What do gnomes use to guard their mazes?
Minitaurs.
Do you know which the most favourite type of fruit of trees is? The pine – apple.
Why did the skeleton have to testify in court?
Because he was a body of evidence.
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
Wondering what crows wear during Halloween, well, they wear caw-stumes.
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.
I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.
What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
How would you scare a snowman?
Get a hairdryer!
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated? Turkey.
I've started a new band called "Blanket".
We're a cover band
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
A crow was arrested under suspicion of murder. The case was closed, as the judge said he had just caws.
Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
Go to BabaMail
