This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
What goes eek, eek, bang?
A mouse in a minefield!
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla.
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
On a scale of one to America, how free are you tonight?
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
Why shouldn’t you take corn on an airplane?
Your ears will pop!
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
What do you get when someone stares coldly at you?
Glare ice.
Definition of Irony - When the Year Of The Rat starts with a plague.
What is a ghost peppers favorite Leonardo Dicaprio film? Catch me if you Cayenne.
Is the city bus running on time? No, it’s running on diesel.
What do you call a Spanish goat with no hind legs?
Gracias.
How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon.
Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
What’s black and white, has eight wheels and travels very fast?
A panda on roller skates.
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
What is an unlimited phone plan? A limit cannot be charged.
You’re so pharma-cute-ical!
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
You know what they say about when life gives you melons?
You might be dyslexic.
Why shouldn’t you grab a werewolf by its tail?
It might be the werewolf’s tail but it could be the end of you!
Why did the artist have to go to the bathroom right away? Because when you gotta Van Gogh, you gotta Van Gogh.
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
Look, I can spell your name on my calculator!
I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
Why did the skeleton want to join band?
He wanted a trom-bone!
What does a dog love to eat while watching a movie?
Pupcorn.
Did you alter my vestibular apparatus?! Because I keep falling over for you!
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!
I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes
That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range.
What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib?
A snowmobile!
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
We are mint to be.
What do you get when you cross a goblin, a stop sign, and immortality?
An everlasting gobstopper!
I don’t know how to spell beautiful. all I know is without u, it’s impossible.
Wait until you see my thunda from down unda!
Why is the giant afraid of Jack?
Because Jack's beanstalking him.
What is a cow’s favorite lunch meat?
Bullogna.
What was the scariest prehistoric animal? The Terror-dactyl!
In what state is the Amazon River? It is in the liquid state.
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
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