I'm like acetaminophen. I'll make sure all your pains go away when we're together.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
What did the man do when he dropped his violin?
He quartet...
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
All things must grass.
Is there a magnet in here because I'm really attracted to You.
What happened if vampires came to a big dance?
A bat ball.
What is the name of the car that passes through the narrow stream of the river? Fjord.
So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
A prankster played a really dark and dim-witted joke at the theatre. He turned off the lights.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
A truck carrying ladders crashed on the road. The cargo has spilled over, but police are taking steps to clear the area.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Or maybe it’s baseball players because they’re so great at hitting it off.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
Did I just step into an E. M. Forster novel? Because any room with you in it is A Room with a View.
One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?
What did the teacher say when he sent the naughty student out of the (mush)room? - You’re in big truffle young man!
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
Why did the River need Jesus? It was dammed.
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
Singular: One mango
Plural: Two menwent
How does Italy execute its criminals?
Guidotine.
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila mockingbird.
How can you tell if there's a dinosaur in the refrigerator ? The door won't close!
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
Next time you’re feeling down, just remember: your plants are rooting for you. Literally!
The real reason humans have wrinkly brains?
We've been in the gene pool too long.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
How to scare kids away in the night
Want to give them a really big fright?
Go hide in the closet
They'll leave a deposit
When the boogieman busts out tonight.
I cannot think of anything sweeter than chocolate than - oops! of course, there is you!
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
Why did the cow go to space?
to get ice cream.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
Your angles must be less than 90 degrees because I think that you are so acute.
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
I wanna bob for your apples.
What did one pirate say to the other when he beat him in chess.
Check matey!
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
Where's a pickle's favorite place to go in London?
Pickle-dilly Square.
I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eyes, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
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