“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
I could’ve sworn I had your number. I guess you’re going to have to put it on my phone again.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
Q: What do you call a row of 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
My fire tonight...
Was lit!
What did the deer say to his sulky friend?
“Buck up!”
I’m a handsome prince and my sword is no trick.
Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
What is the hippest kind of fruit? A bae-nae-nae.
Broccoli: I look like a tree. Walnut: I look like a brain. Mushroom: I look like an umbrella. Banan Can we change the topic?
What do you call a potato that has turned to the dark side? Vader tots!
Baby dump trucks have the cutest name – they’re called dumplings.
I cannoli have eyes for you.
Knock knock!
Who is there?
Beaver
Beaver who?
Be-ware of the turbulent river.
If there a rainbow today? I just found the treasure I have been searching for!
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
What do you call Bears without ears
B.
You are like my asthma.
You just take my breath away.
It takes one to snow one.
Where do beavers sleep? They sleep on a river bed.
Hey baby are you American cheese because you come as a single now.
Strawberries are great musicians because they make perfect jam sessions.
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
Why do bananas wear suntan lotion? Because they peel!
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
How about the most dangerous mountain in the world? Kill-a-man-jaro.
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
I'll be making a movie about the Greek alphabets.
It's a Psi Phi film.
There was a weird Crab
Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
How does a penguin get around?
By icicle.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
Why couldn’t the dragon eat his birthday cake?
He destroyed it while trying to blow out the candles.
It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.
What do you call a bunch of kids who spent all afternoon in the snow?
Chill-dren!
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
I was at a thrift store and the guy ahead of me was purchasing an antique urn made in Greece
He asked the cashier if she knew how much a Greek urns.
Where do spiders play football?
Webley Stadium.
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
Stealthy minotaurs are always camooflauged.
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
I was worried you’d just be a pretty face, but Olivia looks real good to me
When I look into the future, I see you giving me your number.
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
What are you doing hanging out in aisle 3? You clearly belong in aisle 9. Aisle 10 is within arm's reach but that all depends on whether or not you'll have dinner with me.
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
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