I was just curious? Are you as good as all the guys say you are?
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
Peas excuse how bad this pun is.
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?
You start with the higher R key.
Thanksgiving is over… Want to watch Christmas movies and chill?
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
What did the cowboy say when his dog ran away?
Now wait just a doggone minute.
Someone stole my lawn gnome that was under my porch!
Who would stoop so low?
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
My friend’s bakery burned down last night.
Now his business is toast.
Why is it always quiet in the forest? Because all of the trees sleep like a dog.
How do horses get to another star system? They travel through intergalloptic space.
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
I threw water on a flamingo the other day
Now it's just an O.
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
(Pick up a sugar packet off the floor) Uh, miss? I think you dropped your name tag.
I used to love puns about throwing things, but now I don’t.
It was just a fling.
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
What did the duck say when he dropped the dishes?
“I hope I didn’t quack any.”
What tree makes fruit that tastes a lot like chicken? Poultree.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?
SlamDrunk!
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing?
Au revoir.
There's a group of guys that assemble wooden furniture for fun.
I hope they let me join.
Hey, is your name daisy? Because I can’t resist the urge to plant you right over my heart.
A sun walks into a black hole.
The black hole says to the sun "I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation".
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
What do they call the Hunger Games in France?
Battle Royale with Cheese.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
Sometimes, all you need is to shake a few trees to find the perfect peach for you.
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
You must be related to Nikola Tesla because you're electrifying.
You must be a keyboard. Because you're just my type.
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
Are you crippling depression and anxiety? Because you haunt me at every waking hour.
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.
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