What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
What kind of luggage did the vulture bring on the flight?
Carrion.
What did the cow that was struck by lightning say?
I'm udderly shocked.
What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.
Baby, I would trade the entire candy bar in the world for you.
Who gives sharks presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws.
As I am walking towards my classroom, I get to know that my miss-is-sippi-ng my glass of water.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
What are ants made of?
Antimatter.
Why did the scientist use a drink container to communicate with dolphins?
Because a bottle knows dolphin.
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
What did the nut tree say when his wife left him? I walnut stand for this!
You must be copper because I could really CU ending up with me.
What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
his morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside?
So he walks out the front door, comes back in and says "Both."
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym?
Hard core.
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
[Food Spread] This is the line of scrumptiousness.
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
Why did the cherry blossom tree seem scared when it was trying to make a cherry pie? Because it was baking like a leaf.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!
Mind if my comet enters your solar system?
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
What is the trees favorite fruit? Pine-apple.
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
What kind of seal do you get on letters from Turkey?
A stamped bull.
Are you sure we haven’t had a class together before? I could have sworn that we had chemistry together.
Haven’t I seen you before? Maybe in my dreams?
What do you call a funny parrot spoof
A parody
If a flower grew every time you’d cross my mind, I’d have a field of flowers.
Why did the T-Rex cross the road?
Because the chicken hadn’t evolved yet.
Why do ghosts like elevators? They raise their spirits.
Which films is the car’s favourite?
WiperBlade 1, 2 and Trinity.
How do you know if it's too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
If I had a nickel for every time I saw someone as beautiful as you, I’d still only have five cents.
What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?
Vigil aunties.
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