What is a favorite game for ghouls?
Chase!
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
What do chess players from the Czech Republic call their friends?
Czech-mates.
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.
What do you call a Yeti Gardener?
A hairy potter.
What do zombies call a battle between classical music composers where one of them loses their mind?
A de-Bach-le.
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
Why did the horse go to jail?
The prosecutors failed to show the burden of hoof.
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
Did you know that LSD is a really effective weight loss drug?
How are you supposed to eat if there’s a dragon guarding the fridge?
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
Roses are red
violets are blue.
You may not know this but
I’m falling for you.
He threw three free throws.
Hey Erin, ever heard that sharin’ is carin’? Care to share a meal together sometime?
I red a joke about colors once.
It blue my mind.
What is the pineapple’s relationship status? Pineapply married.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
Where do the mushroom family keep their umbrellas, coats and shoes? In their porch-ini!
Tropic like it's hot.
"Don't ever think I fell for you, or fell over you. I didn't fall in love, I rose in it."
― Toni Morrison, Jazz
What is John Lennon's favorite donut? Strawberry' Filled Forever.'
I want to practice my forehand outside, but it will be wet in the morning and nice later on. So here’s the plan for today: inside-out.
Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause, you look out of this world.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
Baby you make my telescope expand.
Why are you eating a banana with the skin on? Oh, it's all right. I know what's inside.
The phone rings, and a crow picks it only to find out it’s for her husband. She then says: "Hey John, you have a phone caw."
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.
I have a question for people who take the bus...
Are you supposed to give it back?
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
When we cross a deer and a mouse, what would we get?
“Mickey Moose!”
Why does every watermelon want to be in the Guinness book of records? Because there’s a lot of watermelon smashing to be done.
You’ve really Penelopeaked my interest
Hey baby, wanna violate the Pauli Exclusion Principle with me?
What do sloths make when it snows? Slow Angels.
Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."
What do you call fake ramen noodles? An impasta.
What’s a hen’s favorite type of movie?
A chick flick.
A female sheep and a couple of aggressive birds are sitting on the veranda. What language do they speak?
Porchewegeese.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
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