I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Mikey.
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole.
Why was the cow always exercising? To build up its moo-scles
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
If money really did grow on trees, what would be everyone’s favorite season? Fall.
I started sleeping on the left side of the bed
It just doesn't feel right.
What did the ponies do when it was raining? Stay ind-horse.
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.
My husband hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then he sat on it.
Eventually he came around.
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
Do you know why you need to get up early? Because you’re the sunshine.
French people give me the crepes.
I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.
Why do ice cream cones make such good journalists?
They always get a scoop.
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
I don’t play soccer but you’re my goal.
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
Hey girl, are you the sun? Because you’re the center of my universe.
Why did the run-on sentence think it was pregnant? Its period was late.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
When the ghost blew his nose, lots of boo-gers came out.
Why couldn’t the oak tree make friends? All of the other trees thought that he was a bit shady.
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out... it was a safe purchase.
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
What sound does a llama’s doorbell make?
Llama llama ding dong.
Crabgrass in my lawn is always fighting to prevent good grass seed from rooting...
Guess you could say I'm caught in the middle of a turf war
What is the fear of giants called?
Fee-fi-phobia
Green glass globes glow greenly.
Roofs of mushrooms rarely mush too much.
Where did the Adansonia tree go to get a quick trim? To the baobarber.
I was thinking about using a mushroom to poison someone. My morel stopped me.
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.
What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
French guy goes into a bar with a frog on his head
The bartender asks “where’d you get that?” And the frog says “in France. There’s loads of them.”
I wanna live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite game?
Jump rope.
Wanna go out sometime? I’d consider it an Er-win if you said yes.
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oakham
Oakham who?
Oakham all ye faithfull!
When it started raining, I spotted a potato across the road pretty fast and I wondered what’s up? It wasn’t long before I saw a fork up ahead.
What did Sherlock Holmes say to Watson when he noticed sandstone deposits on the river bank? "It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
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