Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
Knock knock
Who's there?
To.
To who?
Surely you mean to whom.
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse?
The Codfather.
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
When I asked the bus driver for directions, it was a 'bus stop' service!
The storm was sad so we called it the sigh-clone.
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
Werewolves love similes and metafurs.
"A Knotty Problem"
A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?
– Patrick Winstanley
I'd buy a tandem bike just to ride with you.
What fish perform at the circus?
Clown fish!
I must be a Snowflake, because I’ve fallen for you.
Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.
What did Darth Vader tell the geologist?
May the quartz be with you!
What do vampires do when they are trying to fall asleep?
Count Draculas.
A peach biologist was looking for a peach-tree-dish for his upcoming experiment.
A gorilla starts off his day by going to his car
When he gets to his car, he notices hes missing something. He walks back in his house, and asks his wife "Have you seen monkeys?"
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
Girl, you must be a possessive pronoun because I think you're mine.
Why are Ghosts in such good shape? Plenty of exorcise and a good die-t.
My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"
"Ay poppy."
Who has the best place on a sailing ship?
The mast, because it has the pole-position.
What fruit loves chocolate?
A cocoa nut.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
Do you wanna come dance with the big bad wolf? [ No! ] Its okay, the other two pigs said no too!
Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
Airplane food is always so terrible, so I always pack my own food. Want one of these chocolate covered strawberries?
I yam always very happy to eat sweet potatoes.
If you were a puck, I'd never shoot. Because I would always miss you.
I can heartly wait to see you again.
My girlfriend said we aren't getting married until she has a pear shape
It's the reason we cantaloupe
I hooked a stereo up to my recliner.
Now it's a rocking chair.
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
What do you call a fruit that is rough around the edges? A bad apple.
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop.
Speaking slowly, I said "you mean a *clothes* shop?"
He says, "No, a crows shop - come in and have a rook."
Homeless man attacks kid with a knife
Don’t worry the kid was fine. He had a knife.
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
Who’s your paddy?
Are you undressing me with your eyes?!
Why is Christmas the cheesiest holiday? Baby cheeses. (Baby Jesus)
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth?
A mechanic.
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