What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
I'd start a revolution for your number.
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?
Bone Jovi.
Getting lucked up on St. Patrick’s Day.
You better beer-live it!
What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale!
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
Did you hear about the mother goat telling jokes?
She’s a real kidder.
Girl, you give me the butterflies.
What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?
Why don't potatoes go to parties?
They're scared of the Monster Mash.
What do cows in Greece sound like?
They say µ.
the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
Why was the bus musician so excited? He just got a 'ride-ing' ovation!
What do you call an alien spaceship that's leaking water?
A crying saucer.
What did the dog say to its fleas?
Stop bugging me
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
Why did the orange get insurance?
Zest in case.
What do you call a dead flamingo?
A flaminghost.
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
What is a cat’s favorite song? Three blind mice!
What type of car would a regular horse buy?
A Fjord Focus.
SpaceX is launching astronauts today with a new space catapult
Bringing forth a new era of crude spaceflight.
There are two reasons why you should never drink toilet water.
Number one. And number two.
Look, I can spell your name on my calculator!
My mom is a metalurgist
I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"
She said: "Either ore."
Why did the aspen date the poplar? She really found him to be in-tree-guing.
If tomatoes are a fruit
Then ketchup is a smoothie.
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
A seal goes into a bar and the bartender asked him,"What will it be Mr seal?"
The seal responds,"anything but a Canadian Club".
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
Is it hot in here or am I just wearing two pairs of long johns?
I slapped my violin out of anger, then I got arrested for domestic violins.
“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
Wind turbines don’t talk about much. They just shoot the breeze.
The soup was too spicy to be had by us. It was the borscht soup I had ever had.
What do you say to comfort a grammar teacher?
They’re, there, their.
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
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