What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
Do You Know How Crabs Get Around On Land?
They Use The Sidewalk!
What did the snowman ask the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
Never take a flamingo to the local swimming baths. They really don’t like claw-rine.
It's cold and rainy on Halloween
Where monsters and goblins are always seen
They're at my door asking for sweets
But they don't want tricks only treats
I could close my door but that would be mean.
Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?
OsMoses.
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
Why do people love juicy pineapple? Because it “ripens” their day.
It was hot today and when I went outside I saw there was a line of guys standing outside the hairdressers. I thought to myself, "Such a lovely day to have a barber queue".
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Donut
Donut who?
Donut open til Christmas!
People keep asking me why I’m working for Dr. Frankenstein.
I’m just trying to make a living.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
Why did the blonde throw her favorite doll on the grill? She thought it was a Barbie-Q.
My son asked me what Micheal Jackson was doing in Italy
I told him he was "sight-heeheeing."
My friend was going to a painting competition, so I wished him, "Grey the force be with you".
A flamingo only ever asks for a plaster when it hurts its pinky.
Oh me, oh Jeremiah, that is one great face you have there
Is your name Google? Because you've got everything I'm searching for.
What do French cherry parents say to their little cherries at home? You are mon cherry.
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
Why do toadstools grow so close to each other? They do not need mushroom to grow.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
Why do they eat snail in France?
Because they don’t have fast food.
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There were players on the other side.
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
Why do trees always hold grudges? Because they never fir-get.
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
What did the therapist say to the angry client when their cell phone battery died?
I suggest you find an outlet!
Green is the most relaxed color in the rainbow, it's so jade back.
"I am a leaf on the wind... in bed."
- Firefly
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
I was kidnapped by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
What did the digital watch say to his grandfather? Look grandpa no hands!
I wanna Margaret your Thatcher.
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
Homeless man attacks kid with a knife
Don’t worry the kid was fine. He had a knife.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.
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