I like my girls how I like my Covid.
19 and easily spread.
How were these puns about puns?
They were pun-questionably pun-fortunate!
The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
What do you call flowers who are bffs?
Buds.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
my nose starts bleeding at eleven every night
but I’ve seen stranger things.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
Babe, there's a few tough road series coming up, but if we can make it through them, I'll know it's real.
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
Why are flamingos the happiest birds? They live with no reggrets.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Roach.
Roach who?
Roach you a letter, did you get it?
Where do you go to weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow.
Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.
Wow, Charlotte, your name should definitely be Char-hot.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
What do you feed the son of god? Cheeses of Nazareth.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
Some airplanes are so cramped that at the end of the trip, you suffer jet leg.
What squeaks as it solves crimes?
Miami mice!
There were two antennas who met on a roof and they fell in love and decided to get married. The ceremony was nothing fancy, but you could tell that they had a very strong connection.
I’m trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike but he still can’t seem to do it.
I guess it must be sprocket science.
When a mountain falls sick, it tells the doctor that he's feeling really very, very hill.
How about we drop the gloves and go at it?
Where do spiders play football?
Webley Stadium.
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
Is there something in your eye? Oh, wait, it's just a sparkle.
What do ghouls drink?
Boos!
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
Gas rig men grilled by villagers - The Oxford Times
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
I tried wild ox milk
Turns out I'm yak-tose intolerant
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
Is this the bus stop?
Because I'm here to pick you up!
What did the skydiver say in autumn? I love the fall.
I would tell you more chemistry pick-up lines, but all the good ones Argon!
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
What do you call a rifle that shoots salt?
A salt rifle.
Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?
Cause B-shells are too small, and D- shells are too big.
Why was the zombie so grumpy?
He woke up on the wrong side of the dead.
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