Sorry if I seem shy or nervous around you,
I have a bit of phobia, I'm afraid of attractive people like you.
What is a skeleton’s favorite thing to do with their cell phone?
Take skelfies.
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A stamp.
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
The Doris locked, why do you think I'm knocking?
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
Who is the first farmer to walk on the moon?
Neil Farmstrong.
A protestor threw a bunch of spices on Jason "Pink" London, but all it did was leave him "Saged and Confused".
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
What happens when you make love on a couch?
It becomes a sectional.
My dad always said the secret to theatre was to always leave them wanting more.
He was a great guy but a terrible anaesthetist.
Six out of seven dwarfs aren’t Happy.
What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance.
Why did people stop going to the ghoul hospital?
They kept coming out dead!
How many limbs does an alligator have?
It all depends on what he ate for lunch, dinner and breakfast.
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
Why did the quarterback suddenly walk off the field?
The coach told him to take a hike!
Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.
Are you a bank loan? Well, you’ve certainly got my interest.
What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light
An owl had a sore throat but wasn't bothered.
He couldn't give a hoot.
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
Q. Where do red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet crayons like to go hiking?
A. Colorado.
Why did the peach think he was a pear for a while? He was feeling awfully green at first, but eventually his face became red.
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the Keyboard Factory?
He didn't put enough shifts in.
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
PRIME-mates.
My Dermatologist was fired today...
He made too many rash decisions.
Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?
If it was a guy it would be the misterssippi River.
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
What’s sweet and goes woof?
Pupcakes!
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig
What do you call an old snowman?
Water.
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
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