I'd want to know why the winters are so cold in America. I think Alaska local.
What is a bat’s favorite dessert?
Pineapple upside-down cake.
I left my phone under my pillow last night and woke up to coins underneath it. It must have been the Blue-tooth fairy.
Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.
Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
Why did the quarterback suddenly walk off the field?
The coach told him to take a hike!
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
What would a self deprecating wardrobe say?
"I hate my-shelf"
Did you hear about the witch who got plastic surgery?
She looked really good afterworts.
Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.
A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
Why do wine lovers guzzle down vine humor?
Because wine jokes are a barrel of laughs.
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
What do dogs eat for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.
What's more amazing than a talking turkey? A spelling bee!
I want to play my match outdoors so I can hit the ball higher in the air. I’m not good at persuading people, so I’m going to hire a lob-byist.
Somebody stole all my lamps… I couldn’t be more de-lighted!
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
My grandfather recently passed, and I discovered in his journal that he has an immense hatred for sloths, pandas, and koala bears. Looking back, it was obvious.
He was always going on about those darn tree-huggers.
Theres a party in my pants and your invited.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
He planted a light bulb and thought he'd get a power plant.
All this lidocaine and I still have feelings for you.
What do fruit wear when they go swimming? A one-peach bathing suit.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
You must be phylum because you seem to be above class.
They figured it was the best way to break the ice.
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus!
This year I'm carving my pumpkin to look like an intricate ball of rope, so it can be a gourd-ian knot.
"Are you a witch because you sure got me spellbound."
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
I wish they’d change the scoring system, but tennis is set in its ways and doesn’t see the point.
What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments.
An orca-stra.
Books are my kind of texts.
Dr. Frankenstein must have been pretty buff.
He was a bodybuilder, after all.
I once had a gerbil named Bobby,
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now -- oh my lord,
now all that's left is a blobby.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
What did the penguin say after he went shopping?
Put it on my bill.
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.
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