Wine if you must. It’s not good to bottle up your emotions.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Be like a pineapple: wear a crown, stand tall, and be always sweet on the inside.
Nice beach balls, can I play?
Why can't elephants use computers?
Because they're scared of the mouse.
Your name must be Autumn because I am falling for you.
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
I broke up with my girlfriend after she contracted the corona virus
I’ve decided to wash my hands of her.
Why should anyone experiment with thin ice?
It’s the best way to achieve a major breakthrough.
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head because it's capsized.
Why does the paparazzi beaver have a camera pointing towards the river? To keep up with current events and give main-stream updates.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
Where do birch trees keep their jewelry? In the river bank.
What was the most common game played by Greek Gods?
Hydra and seek.
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
What do the astronauts put on their lunch toast? Space jam.
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
Why didn't the snowman go to the party?
He had snowone to go with!
What do you call 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? Won Ton.
Are you glitter? Because you add sparkle to my life
What time do zombies wake up?
At ate o’clock!
What do vampire bats call their friends?
Blood brothers.
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Caesar.
Caesar who?
Caesar quick, she’s running away.
Q. Where do lady gorillas go for a wild weekend night out?
A. Chimpendale's.
Why do pumpkins never quarrel? Because they have no stomach for fighting.
How does the Easter Bunny stay fit?
Egg ercise.
Are you Broca’s aphasia? Because you leave me speechless…
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
Please stop making jokes about little people
How would you feel if a bunch of giants made jokes about you?
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a Spider? A Hare net!
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
What do you call a hat for the brain?
A thinking cap.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
What do you call a Tyrannosaurus under stress?
A nervous rex.
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
What do you call a blessed blanket?
Holy sheet
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
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