Why did the deer cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
On a scale of one to America, how free are you tonight?
What do you call two rabbits racing down the road? The fast and the furriest.
My wife got stung by a jellyfish and said, “Quick, pee on it!” So I peed on it and said…
“That’s for stinging my wife!”
Beach, please.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
tl;dr
They differ in hue.
What's a lion's favorite color?
ROARange
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
Why couldn’t the cat finish watching her movie? Because she had it on paws!
Do you have a name you want me to save you as on my phone or should I just put 'mine'?
You’re as sweet as a flower, and not a daisy goes by when I don’t think of you.
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
My barrista friend turns up her nose at instant coffee.
She's quite sankamonious.
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter
I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.
I'm going to start a business selling worms and Nintendo consoles
I'll call it "Bait and Switch."
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy Bear.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Greece!
Greece who?
Are Greece and oil the same thing?
Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
I’m considering a modulation… Because I want to come up to your level
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
How many rabbits does it take to change a light bulb? Only one if it hops right to it.
Nice dress. Can I talk you out of it?
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
Have you guys heard of the musical group called Cellophane?
They mostly wrap.
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you
What do you get when your cross a bear and a tiger?
A bear and a tiger seeking revenge.
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
Why’d you dress up as a princess, when you could have simply come in plain clothes as the most beautiful girl at the Halloween party?
So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.
What is the favorite snack of a programmer, it's undoubtedly Cadbury bytes.
Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.
What happened to the pig who liked pineapple? He turned into a porky-pine!
I mustache you a question..
but I'll shave it for later.
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
Hey Girl! Are you a software program?
Because you've been running in my memory all day.
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
Ariel spent the weekend alone because she was feeling a little crabby.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
What's the wind's favourite colour?
Blew
Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?
Because he didn’t have a funny bone.
France is beautiful in every Cezanne.
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