Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
Where do you take a sick pony?
To the horse-pital.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
When facing trouble in the workspace, all the colorists rallied together by saying, "Come what grey, we will overcome all obstacles!"
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine!
If you were a tear drop, I would never cry for the fear of losing you.
Which is the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
Honey if I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put the letters "DON'T LOVE" in between I and U
What do you call a pickle from the southern backwoods.
A hill-dilly.
Onions are great gymnasts as they have the advantage of swinging on the onion rings.
I see my future like how the Americans spell colour. Without u.
What did the pun mom say to the new pun dad?
We have a pun in the oven!
Some cherry puns are just pit-i-ful.
What should you do when you see Frankenstein walking towards you?
Make a bolt for it.
The local baker keeps punching his doughy friend because he wants to get a rise out of him.
Don't tell secrets in corn fields.
Too many ears around.
Why did the log fall into a creek? Because that's how it ROLLS!
Where are sharks from?
Finland!
Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
Because it was two-tyred
Why are Christmas trees so clean? They know how to spruce things up.
What do you call a bear with a bad attitude?
The bearer of bad news.
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
Who was the smartest man in the Bible?
Abraham. He knew a Lot.
Did you know this mall has a movie theater? I just saw a preview of our life together. Looks pretty good!
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap? It was always on shale.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Electric cars can't get exhausted...
...but they can get wheely tired.
The soup that she cooks is so thick that the kitchen would go around when she stirs it.
What happens when you try to eat 5 candy bars at once? You're gonna choke alot.
An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
I would never precede you with "which," baby, because you are essential to this clause.
There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.
Why do mice need oiling?
Because they squeak!
Even the Chocolate factory doesn't make candy as sweet as you.
Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead.
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
What's more impressive than a talking fish?
A spelling bee.
The earth's rotation really makes my day.
What do you call a wet teddy bear?
A drizzly bear.
Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.
A teacher asks the class to name six mammals that you might find in Africa. One of the pupils replies, “five zebras and a lion”.
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
I'm going to start watching my caffeine intake because baby you make my heart palpitate.
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