People keep asking me why I’m working for Dr. Frankenstein.
I’m just trying to make a living.
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
I had to borrow my friend’s trumpet because I sounded too good on my own, and people would be jealous!
I didn’t want to toot my own horn.
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Water!
Water who?
Water way to answer the door!
What do troll mathematicians like to solve?
Parabolems?
How do ski instructors get to work?
By icicle.
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.
A prankster played a really dark and dim-witted joke at the theatre. He turned off the lights.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
People are always after me lucky charms.
How did the little koala bear stop the movie? She hit the paws button.
Are you from Starbucks because I like you a latte!
My friend told me he had to leave the play after Act l. Knowing he'd waited forever to see it, I asked him why. He said the program stated that Act ll was two years later, and he refused to wait that long.
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
Are you a vegan?
'Cause I yam.
What did the Gorilla say when he saw there was a sale happening?
Ooh! OOh! OOOh!!!!
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
It’s snow joke.
Have you ever wondered if illiterate people would get the full effects of alphabet soup?
You know what’s odd?
Every other number.
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
"You need kissing badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed often, and by someone who knows how."
- Clark Gable, Gone with the Wind (1939)
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
What is a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!
Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
I used to play triangle in a reggae band but I had to give it up. It was just one ting after another.
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
Are you Rudolph’s red nose? Because baby, I would say you glow.
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
How do you leave any building in Spain?
You "follow salida lida lida..."
Where did the independent cat decide to live? In Catalonia!
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
One trick peony.
Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
A peach biologist was looking for a peach-tree-dish for his upcoming experiment.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
I found out yesterday that the Mexican dish ghosts like the most is a boo-ritto.
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