Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
Six sleek swans swam swiftly southwards.
Are you a member of a Girl Scout? Girl: No. Boy: Then why you knew how to tie my heart into knots?
What did Dr.Frankenstein say when his monster spat on him?
It’s saliva!
Why was the pine tree always in trouble? It kept being knotty.
I’ll never fir-get.
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
How do you communicate with a fish?
Drop him a line.
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.
Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.
The winter is the worst time of year for a wedding. The grooms always seem to be getting cold feet.
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
Hey there, don’t add honey to that chamomile. You’re already too sweet.
Why does every watermelon want to be in the Guinness book of records? Because there’s a lot of watermelon smashing to be done.
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado when the dip bowl was empty?
“We’ve hit guac bottom!”
My dad enjoys writing jokes and storing them on my phone. He calls it his Dad-a-base.
What do you call a stoned, dyslexic crow?
A hybrid
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iva.
Iva who?
I’ve a sore hand from knocking!
I put some salt on my mobile. Now it’s a saxaphone.
Can I follow you home? Cause my parents always told me to follow my dreams.
What Do You Call Two Ducks And A Cow?
Quakers and milk.
A friend failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso.
He didn’t put his heart into it.
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
A good workman doesn't blame his fools
\*tools.
Stupid keyboard.
What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
Girl you are looking so Jose-fine in those photos
Did you get those pants on sale? (Why?) Because at my house they would be 100% off!
Did you hear about the guy who was beaten by the King?
It’s a sore subject.
How do rainbows sleep? In forty pinks.
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
I heard they’re remaking one of the Lord of the Rings movies, but everyone rides around on bicycles instead of horses.
They’re calling it The Two Tires
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"
The horse said "nay."
The pig squealed.
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
After the guy broke his arm skiing, he realized it was all downhill from there.
I work at an Ink company in Spain. Yesterday I held a Competition about our company’s history. But looks like no one wanted to be a part of the
Spanish Ink Quiz Session.
It started raining coins outside today.
I guess it’s just climate change.
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