What is a car’s favourite colour?
Racing car green.
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
What kind of underwear does a math-obsessed mermaid wear?
An algae bra.
"For peep's sake."
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry
What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
I can out here for an easy run, but you make my heart do speed work
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.
Hey girl… Can I call-cu-later?
What should you do if you drop a root vegetable face down?
Turnip over.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
The perfect description of a bowling game is one where there is plenty of room at the top, but no room to lie down.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
The earth's rotation really makes my day.
Did you hear about the zombie after-school club?
It's dead in that place.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
You are photon quanta to my valence electron because you excite me to a higher energy level.
What is the name of the onion ring that cannot but be funny? It is a Funyon!
Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.
Why are parrots so loyal? They are a man of their bird!
Can you can a canned can into an un-canned can like a canner can can a canned can into an un-canned can?
Are you a lightbulb? Because you turn me on.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
I thought, I thought of thinking of thanking you.
France – it’s just a oui bit different!
My computer wants to build a snowman.
It's frozen.
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree on me.
It was a hambush.
Which month can’t make a decision?
MAY-be.
What is a witch's favorite ride at the fair?
A scary-go-round.
Where in the World Can You Find the Highest Concentration of Engineers?
Antarctica! Because that's where all the P. Enguins are!
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
You can’t possibly play soccer in the amazon jungle because there are far too many cheetahs.
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.
“You’re my soul Santa.”
What lives at the North Pole and is green, white, and red all over?
A sunburned elf!
You must be peanut butter because you're making my legs feel like jelly.
If you have a parrot, it says a lot about you!
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but trilobites still exist, right?
Why did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts?
He couldn't stand all the racket!
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
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