How does a rude princess sit on a horse?
Snide-saddle.
In Quebec they used to practise throwing the puck in the zone, and then
sitting back to wait for a turnover. But eventually the players were
criticized for this dump-and-chaise tactic.
With Corona Virus spreading, I never thought our deaths will also be..
“Made in China”
You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
An actor I know fell through the floor recently. It's just a stage he was going through.
“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
Crows go, listen, perform, and enjoy live music, at cawnsorts.
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
What did the bat do when she did not know the answer in class?
She winged it.
What do you say when you want a kiss from a flower?
Plant one on me.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates!
I'm not saying my grandpa was unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.
Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack they've ever seen.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
What do you call a troll that’s in charge?
In control.
Dang, girl. You're a fielder's choice.
What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?
A drama dairy.
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
If you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming hair?
A clipptomaniac!
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?
A meltdown!
What do you call a kangaroo DJ?
Disc joey.
There were two knights who were fighting a long duel with each other. The fight ended when one of them chopped off the other's leg- guess the knight was defeeted.
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
I’m no vampire but I’m fine with getting no sleep and biting your neck all night.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
"Unsatisfied Yearning"
Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,
In order to get out.
Once in the glittering starlight.
He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.
In order to get in.
– R.K. Munkittrick
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
Shake your shamrocks.
Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!
Why does nobody invite Jupiter to the space parties? Because he has too much gas, always…
I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least they were free so I took some.
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant.
Is your tent erect yet or do you need help with that?
Why do bananas wear suntan lotion? Because they peel!
Cherries go all out when they go to festivals. You’ll probably see loads of them, running around in pie-dyed shirts.
What did the bear say when her date showed up too early?
I’ll be out in a minute, I’m bearly dressed.
What do you call a wizard aboard a spacecraft?
A flying sorcerer.
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