What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
How would you be able to prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in the winter!
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
What did the skeleton order for lunch? Spare ribs!
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a 🍲. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.
What do you call two bandits in a race on the ocean.
Piracy.
Do you also feel the strong gravitational pull of my bed?
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado when the dip bowl was empty?
“We’ve hit guac bottom!”
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
What did the football player say to his Chinese son
Go Long!
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
What do you call a square that got into a car accident?
A rect-angle
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?
A lunatick!
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon.
All you need is a good dose of vitamin sea.
My wife has been giving me a hard time about my drinking. Eventually, I agreed to quit cold turkey.
Never cared for leftovers anyway.
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
With long legs like yours, you don't need high heels.
Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.
My mom told me it would be good for my self-esteem if I asked out people who aren't conventionally attractive.
In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'
That will be a hard one to crack.
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
Have you ever seen a catfish? No, how did he hold the rod and reel?
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
A truck carrying Lego got into an accident on the motorway. No one knows what happened; the authorities are still trying to piece everything together.
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
Why wouldn’t the squirrel collect the oak’s acorns today? She called in sick and then went to the beech.
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons—balancing them badly.
Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
Ireland is pitcher perfect.
If Satan ever lost his hair...
There would be hell toupee.
Are you from another world? You look like my love from another star.
Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
Because they're hip.
What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? a Vel-Crow.
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