“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”

What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.

I wrote a song to memorialize the man killed when a piano fell down a mine shaft.
It's in A flat minor.

Why does Moon goes to the bank? To change his quarters.

What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.

Why do gnomes like baseball? Gnome Runs.

I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.

How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.

What's in the middle of Paris?

R.

What did the priest say at the flooding river?
God, dam it!

What's a zombie's least favorite quiz question?
A no-brainer.

Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.

What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"

Why did the hare go to the taco truck?
He couldn't beat the tortas.

May the mass times acceleration be with you.

Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!

Drums - You can't beat 'em. Well, you have to, really.

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.

What do you call a cat that was caught by the police? The purr-petrator.

"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."

- Bridger Winegar

In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea.

What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.

My boat is starting to sink, I'm going to sell it.
See my boat listing in the paper.

“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra

There once was a girl named Sue.
She came down with the case of the flu.
She let out a sigh,
"My temperature is high,
what ever shall I do?
Oh my! Oh my!
I think I will die.
What ever shall I do?"

So, she stumbled out of bed.
"I know I'll take some meds.
If this the flu,
I take an aspirin or two.
Then I'll drink some broth and some juice.
Oh my! Oh my!"
she began to cry.
"I think this is acute."

So, she grumbled back to bed
and pulled the covers over her head.
She let out a sneeze,
a cough and a wheeze.
"Won't someone help me, please?
Oh my! Oh my!
Will I survive
the case of the crazy flu?"

So, she finally fell asleep.
She slept and slept for a week.
She tossed and turned,
her symptoms have passed.
Her temperature normal at last.
"Oh my! Oh my!
I think I survived
this case of the crazy flu."

What do you call an elderly Spanish man?
A senõr citizen.

“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner

I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!

What did the crow said when it saw a car coming? Cawr.

My lead off's not great, and though I may be off base, I'd like to take you on a date.

After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”

Son: does Easter Bunny set out 12 eggs in the field to search for?
Dad: no he dozen’t.

Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.

Why are cats scared of trees?
Because of their bark.

What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.

What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey.

If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I'd have a galaxy in my hand.

If cheese were downloadable, then I'd try to throw my hard drive as far as possible.
What I'm saying is, I'd chuck e-cheese.

What do you call a guinea pig that has become a member of the mafia?
A hamster

What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.

Your beauty is blinding.

Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.

Kiss me! Let me taste your sweet lips before the asteroid destroys earth

Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!

Each year, lots of wolves go treating in howl-o-ween.

When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder.
They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.

What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo cluck.

I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.

I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.