What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.
What would a self deprecating wardrobe say?
"I hate my-shelf"
Did you hear about the sick juggler? They say he couldnt stop throwing up!
"The Full Moon is a natural furnomenon," said the werewolf.
We all know that the New England Patriots have their soup in the Super Bowl.
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.
What’s a calendars favorite fruit?
Dates.
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Double
Double who?
W!
People say Frankenstein’s monster had a temper…
But actually he was surprisingly level-headed.
How do volleyball players deliver their messages? Through Air Mail.
How do fish get from place to place while playing golf?
With a golf carp,
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you
Why does Bigfoot only leave footprints behind?
Sasquatch doesn't litter in the great outdoors.
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
If you do bowling and for some reason you can’t hear a pin drop, something could be wrong with your bowling.
Are you a lumberjack?
Why, because I give you wood?
No, because you have masculine forearms and you're wearing Wranglers jeans.
Now I know why people love footballers – especially the goalies, they are real keepers.
Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
What was the seal's favorite subject in school?
ART ART ART!
What kind of music do sophisticated kangaroos listen to?
Hopera.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He heard there were some hot chicks on the other side.
Vasco de Balboa told the Queen of Spain, “I discovered a large body of water on my journey.”
She said, “Could you be a little more pacific?”
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
The Azteca Stadium in Mexico has been so neglectfully maintained that there are foot-long grasses on the pitch. Now we call it the Grass-teca Stadium.
Hey baby are you a boxer? You should try it, because your one hell of a knock out!
A router and a modem got married.
They were pronounced husbandwidth and Wifi.
A little less conversation, a little more action please.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite toy?
A. A bab-boom-orang.
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.
Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
I’m like a boomerang. I just keep coming back to you.
Why don’t Penguins like rock music?
They only like sole.
When god gave out bodies, he did it in alphabetical order.
GOD: And to you, horse, I give you a golden mane, great strength and speed, and a giant gait. You will be the noblest of beasts, and men will love you.
HORSEFLY (next in line): Oh man this is gonna be gooood.
Make it rein.
Why wasn’t the pig chosen in the football/soccer team?
It was a ball hogger.
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
What money do zombies use?
Crypt-o-currency.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
Q: Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans?
A: Because you’re breaking wind.
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
The only reason i want to become a father is to make dad jokes all the time. Some people think I am kidding
But i’m dad serious
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
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