I need to stop being such a numbskull.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes.
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
You must be a fourth or a fifth, because you're just perfect!
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
What will you get if you cross a tiger and a watchdog? A terrified watchman.
Where are dramatic hard drives from?
Oh I/O
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
What do you call a healthy dinosaur? Tea-Rex.
Cherries are actually great at a lot of different sports. Their favorite one, in case you were wondering, is archerry.
What did the bride say to her new husband at their wedding? - I love you so mush-groom!
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
I promise I'm good for more than just a one-timer.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
"Is that a yay or cabernet?"
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
Where does the sun hide at night? Just keep looking for it, it'll dawn on you soon!
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
How did the swim team manage to pay for new pool renovations?
They pool-ed their resources!
"Simple Truths About Family"
Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.
Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.
Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.
Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.
Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.
– Kelly Roper
My last chess game went a bit medieval.
We both went for the castle.
What did the little piglet want from the swine?
A piggyback ride home.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.
Did You Hear About The Duck Who Thought He Was a Squirrel?
It was one tough nut to quack.
What happened when a faucet, a tomato and lettuce were in a race? The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses?
Bronchitis.
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but trilobites still exist, right?
I hate being bipolar...
It's great!
What did the llama say when the other llama asked if they wanted to go on holiday?
Alpaca suitcase.
Bodies Needed To Look After Graveyard
You're by far the prettiest girl here. The 'Liberty bell' of the ball.
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
What do you call a bee that comes back from the dead?
Zombee
What nut is broken?
“A silly nut”
In the magazine polls held this fall, Autumn was declared as the cutest season because it's awwwtumn!
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
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