It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
John, you have so much po(tato)tential!
What kind of chocolate do ghouls like?
Hearse-sheys!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Oswald.
Oswald who?
Oswald my bubble gum!
How does a crab go when it's right?
"Aw, snap!"
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
If we raced, I would let you win, so I could get a good view from the back.
Why don’t skeletons do well at sports?
Because they have no skin in the game!
Which author is anxious to write the book: Colorado Rockies, World Series Champs?
Ben Whayten.
What did the perverted pumpkin use for his pick-up line?
Hey gourd-geous! Wanna go back to my place and squash?
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
What do you call an and with frogs legs?
An antphibian.
What did the zombie get when she was late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.
The only type of cookies a cookie monster loves to eat during Halloween is Ghoul Scout Cookies.
A classical musician bought a Stradivari violin
Now he is quite Baroque.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? Show me the honey!
It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
Did you hear about the football team that drafted a vending machine?
They really needed a quarter back!
Ain’t no mountain high enough to keep me from you.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
So you live in the seventh most populous city in France?
Must be Nice.
Have you ever heard of mushroom cars? Well, they have an interesting sound which goes line shroom shroom!
Why did the blonde volleyball player end up getting fired from her waitressing job? Someone said she needed to serve the food.
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.
A sphinx was guarding a road when a traveler walked by.
The sphinx said to the man, "You may pass if you can answer my riddle: What is wider than an ocean, heavier than a mountain, and unbounded by the laws of physics?"
The man thought for a moment and answered, "Imagination."
"Wrong," said the Sphinx. "The answer is your mom."
What do you call an 'O' on fire?
Flamingo.
What do you call a super articulate dinosaur?
A Thesaurus.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
St. Patrick’s Day makes me Spring to life.
I believe in The Importance of Being Earnest, so I'm just going to say it: I'm Wilde about you.
My feelings for you have grown exponentially.
Are you a pile of soiled dishes? Because I want to spend the entire evening with you.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
What's the tastiest part of a floppy disk?
The cookie!
I think i spent way too much on this table. It is just not a foldable.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
I'm snow bored.
Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.
Why do ghouls like ice cream?
Because it’s ghoulilicous!
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
How is the submarine doing at school?
It's below c-level
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