When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
What do you get if you cross a werewolf and a pet dog?
A terrified postman.
How do you trap a drum kit?
Use a snare
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
What is Santa's favorite breakfast food? Snow-flakes.
When I look into the Mirror of Erised, I see you giving me your number.
What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I’d like to get to gnaw you.
How do horses greet each other?
“Hayyyyy.”
You’re what I’m most thankful for this year.
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
What kind of cheese is really good at guitar?
Shreddar.
You might be able to use a smuggled cell phone in prison.
You just have to have cell coverage.
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
What happened to the man who didn’t pay his exorcist? His house was repossessed.
Wooden door; wide and creaky.
Sculking cat; snide and sneaky.
Skeletons; cold and clanky.
Madame Witch; old and cranky.
Ancient paintings; strange and spooky.
Watching eyes; crazed and looky.
Blackest bat; fast and flappy.
Venus Flytrap; mighty snappy.
Wailing ghosts; always moany.
Piano playing on its owny.
Time to go! Scream and shouty!
Read the sign – ‘No Way Out-y!’
- Julie Anna Douglas
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
What did the duck do after he read all these jokes?
He quacked up.
My mother told me to leave the peach cobbler alone on the table. But I couldn't help but watch the cobbler make the beautiful peach shoes.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!
Here comes the sun of my life
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
When it’s raining, a turtle goes to a shell-ter.
What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes.
What do you call a giant mushroom? Hu-fungus.
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
What does a Clydesdale say when you offer them a carrot?
“Of course, my horse.”
What do teapots wear to a tea party? A T-shirt.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
What has one head, one foot and four legs? A Bed
Q. Where do gorillas get their gossip?
A. From the grapevine.
That’s a nice Witch costume, but you won’t be needing the broom anymore, because you’ve already swept me off my feet.
The target in soccer is to kick it where it counts.
The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.
Q. Why was the blonde disappointed after her visit to an apiary?
A. There weren't any gorillas there. DUH!
If you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?
A shell-met!
What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try and try and try and try-ceratops
How do you throw a space party? You planet.
What do you give a horse that has just won the Kentucky Derby? An Appletini.
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
The reason the mountains are hill areas joke gets reposted so often is because it's peak comedy
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
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