What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gladys
Gladys who?
Gladys Friday, finally the weekend starts!
Why don't matches play baseball?
Because one strike, and they're out.
Why did the cow go right up to the spaceship? To see the Mooooooooooon.
Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
Why is it so windy inside a stadium?
There are hundreds of fans.
What does Cinderella usually wear at the beach?
Glass flippers!
What did the baby deer say to his friend?
“I’m so fawn-d of you!”
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
Each year, lots of wolves go treating in howl-o-ween.
“Santa owes a lot to his little helpers. You might say he’s an elf-made man.”
What do you get when you cross a cow and an earthquake?
Milkshake.
She saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa?
Some pink birds can be really rude. I approached a group of them the other day and they screamed “Flamingo away!”
What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!
The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
What kind of shoes do all spies wear? Sneakers.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
Garbage truck
What do skiers get if they sit in the snow for too long?
Polaroids!
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
What has 36 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk? My zipper.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
A bird that talks your ears off.
Please, please me
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.
You are like my asthma.
You just take my breath away.
My spiritual gift is my good looks. It lifts peoples spirits.
I ordered the wrong kind of flowers online for Valentines Day.
Oops e-daisies.
What do cows like to eat for lunch?
Moo-shroom soup
What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib?
A snowmobile!
What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?
Lost.
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw?
Because they don’t know how to cook it.
What made the baby cookie cry so loud? His mother was a wafer so long.
There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice burg-ers.
Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.
Are you bad WiFi?
Because I'm feeling no connection here.
What do you call a lazy goat?
Billy Idle.
What is the name of Santa’s rudest deer?
Rude-olph.
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