The frequency of bad physics puns on this category...
It hertz.
Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
I was going to tell you a joke about an egg but it's not all it's cracked up to be.
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
Why did the belt get arrested? He held up a pair of pants.
What did the llama say when the other llama asked if they wanted to go on holiday?
Alpaca suitcase.
I like you, you croc my world.
I was just reading an article called "10 most scenic runs"... the third one was with you!
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird!
Did you hear about the cows struck by lightning?
They were completely cattletonic!
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07
You’re all I’m Luca-ing for and more
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Glow!
Glow who?
Glow worm!
What did the girl dinosaur ask her pet dog?
"Do you want some tea, Rex?"
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!
(Unknown)
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
Why did the burglar break into the bakery?
Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What kind of key has no lock?
A turkey.
Last winter was so cold, I couldn’t stop telling my wife how much I glove her.
My mum makes the best soups. She is a real soup-erstar.
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
Trying to teach my dad how to put WiFi on his tablet
Me: You just have to go to settings!
Dad: This is just making me upsettings!
On the spot no hesitation! Gotta love him!
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
How excited was the gardener about spring?
So excited he wet his plants.
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
Let's skip the Netflix on the sofa and go straight to chill in my bed.
Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
When shouldn't you believe a word your cheese is saying? When it's too Gouda to be true.
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair who keeps getting struck by lightning?
A handicapacitor.
The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry."
How about dinner?
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
What has four legs, four eyes, and a net? Four pirates looking for a lost parrot!
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
I tried to milk my cow last night, but nothing I did seemed to work. It was an udder failure.
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
How about drinking some alcohol to catalyze your love reaction a bit more?
Why was the pig given a red card at the football game?
For playing dirty.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes? Out of the way!
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
The computer said my password needed at least eight characters and at least one number, so I changed it to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
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