You’re more special than relativity.
What goes ‘Cackle, cackle, cackle, bonk’?
A witch laughing her head off.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
I had no one to help me when my computer and phone mutinied
I was left to my own devices.
How do elephants bathe?
With their trunks on.
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.
If you're Russian when you go to the bathroom, and you're Finnish when you come out of it, what are you when you're inside?
European!
What does a cat lady say on Friday night?
I am drinking wine and feline fine!
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
Why shouldn’t you shoot an alligator?
He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.
What do you call an elf who steals Christmas present wrapping from the wealthy and gives it to the poor?
Ribbon Hood.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
What's the weather like in Mexico?
Chili today, hot tamale.
Which hand should we use to stir the soup? It is better to stir the soup with a spoon!
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
This foundation is rock salad.
Why do I want raisins when you are my only grape? Let's have some wine.
Prince Charles is selling his towel.
If anybody wants a heir dryer...
I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.
You must put a lot of spices in your food because you look smoking hot.
Excuse me! Do you know where’s the Victoria's Secret shop in this mall? You look like one of their models!
What did the thrifty man say when he got his phone bill? "Who says talk is cheap?"
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain?
To keep each udder dry.
My buddy was cast in Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs, but he was still angry because he wasn't Happy.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them
Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!
What do you call a dead flamingo?
A flaminghost.
The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
My dog never stands up for himself.
He just rolls over.
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
The scientist was meticulous about his strawberry pies. He rounded up the protein content of his pie at 3.14.
What is the opposite of Chocolate? Chocoearly.
*Creating password*
"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"
ERROR: [Password two week]
"Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face."
- Teresa Watkins
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
A round of Santa-plause, please.
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
Why would an oreo cookie need to visit a dentist? To get a filling replacement.
What do you call two cookies from the same cookie sheet who fall in love? A batch made in heaven.
Not sure what my creatinine clearance is, but I just can't get you out of my system.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
Will you be my G-Protein? Because I want to be coupled with you!
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
Why did you fall in love with the Paris art museum? It was just Louvre at first site.
What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They seem to all been born on holidays.
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
Tropic like it's hot.
Go to BabaMail
