What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he liked cool music.
I got fired from the bomb disposal squad
Too bad, I had a blast working there.
What happens if an elf catches you being naughty?
Yule be sorry!
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
You know what really floats my boat?
Surface tension.
My wife was watching me do some DIY and she said I hammer like lightning.
I never strike in the same place twice.
What did a duck say to the comedian?
You quack me up.
Red ship hits Blue ship...
Sailors marooned.
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
I love you so fairy much.
What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache
Roses are red, violets are blue, I ain't no poet, but neither are you.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy
So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy
- Paul Curtis
How many astronomers will it take to just change a lightbulb? None, they like the dark.
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
4G, or not 4G, that is the question.
"I like the parts of your face that are covered with skin."
- Anchorman 2 (2013)
The mom to the naughty vampire said to him, “Watch your battitude, that is not how you talk to your elders.”
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
I scored when I met you.
Which monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?
A: They apparently went to see "Closed For The Winter"
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
My roommates insist that our house is haunted
I’ve lived here for 274 years and never once met a ghost.
Why don’t elephants go to the beach?
Because their trunks always fall down.
What do you see at a funeral for a piece of fruit? Apple-bearer.
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
I'd make like Jacob and work seven years for you to be my bride.
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gorilla!
Gorilla who?
Gorilla burger! I've got the buns!
How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?
FORE!
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
What do ghosts and monsters drink after scaring people?
Ghoul-Aid.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
You’re all I’m Luca-ing for and more
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
Are you that note I messed up? Because I can’t stop thinking about you.
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
What do you call two male avocados who hang out and drink together?
Avocabros.
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
Why did they stop giving the horse grass?
They wanted it to be less green.
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