An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.
As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.
Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.
"Uncanny!" He thought. "I've arrived at a strange stage of my life".
Why did you fall in love with the Paris art museum? It was just Louvre at first site.
When you cross a train engine with a strawberry tart, you make a puff pastry.
My wife asked why I prefer gummy bears to gummy worms.
I said that gummy worms are beneath me.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
We just got a new chicken-proof lawn, it's impekkable.
The queen’s favorite form of precipitation is the reign.
When I look into the Mirror of Erised, I see you giving me your number.
There are so much beautiful sceneries near the river valleys. They are totally gorges.
If mom leaves her alphabet soup on the stove and forgets about it, it would spell disaster.
Nice legging. Are you making a fashion statement? Because you got my attention.
I’m super friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.
Are you a bank loan? Because you got my interest!
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anybody want to let me in?
Air resistance is a real drag.
If you were a vegetable you'd be a cutecumber.
Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado!
Aww, what's your pup's name? He has such a sweet face.
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
This weekend is going to be LITerary.
What do you call an ogre in an accident?
A car Shrek.
What is batman’s favorite food (ans Just-ice)
Not much, just-ice.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
The last time I saw a body like yours, I was burying it in my basement.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.
What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
Those who study the moon for their course or as a habit, are optimists. And that is because they look at the brighter side always.
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
All the girls I meet keep thinking I’m a sheep.
Every time they see me they say “Ewe”
What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
What kind of photos do turtles take?
Shell-fies.
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
I saw an advert in the paper “Yacht for sale”.
As if people don't know what a yacht is for.
What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.
What does Earth get on Earth day ?
A birthday quake !
You have the prettiest smile I have ever seen.
How do you tell someone winter is over?
You spring it on them!
A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!
Roses are red, violets are blue. I have a gun, get in the van!
When someone accidentally stepped on his foot, the wolf screamed, Aoooowwwww!
I just got an adorable baby goat, but it can’t bend its legs.
The vet said it’s a cute kid knee disorder.
Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically.
Buy the dip.
What does a dog love to eat while watching a movie?
Pupcorn.
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