Is that a mirror in your Bible? Because I see you reflecting Christ.
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
A flying turtle is called a shellicopter.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearrible.
There’s a new movie out called “The Truck.” I’ve seen the trailer, it looks great.
Are you French? I want to take a french kiss from you.
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
How did the egg get up the hill?
It scrambled up.
What do you get if you cross a talking parrot with a gorilla?
I am not sure but if he says something you better damn well listen.
Saw my dad outside with a tv antenna on his head
When I asked him why, he said he was trying to get more in tune with nature.
Hey baby, I think I'm going blind. Because I can't see you anymore.
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
you must be augmented cause my love for you just won't diminish!
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
My neighbors are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.
Babe, your beauty throws me off-beat
I know I've never been all that attractive.
But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
Why do earth science professors always talk about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.
I’m like a boomerang. I just keep coming back to you.
French fries aren’t cooked in France
They’re cooked in greece.
Why did the corn stalks hold a ceremony in honor of the scarecrow?
To corn-gratulate him for being out standing in their field!
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
You can put your hands at my heart’s center.
At What Time Does A Duck Wake Up?
At the quack of dawn.
What kind of fruit salad is most resistant to sunburn?
The kind with extra melon in.
Composers always score.
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
Witch fall flavor is your favorite?
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
Who is a ghoul’s favorite family member?
Mummy!
Which dinosaur is pure evil? Daemonosaurus.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
My keyboard fell apart today.
I feel like I'm losing Ctrl of everything.
There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
How do crabs evade taxes?
They set up shell corporations.
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
Come, let’s measure the coefficient of friction between us.
how do you convince meat juice out of a bovine?
You consomme out of him.
I've finally started to believe that Pluto is not really a planet...
Especially when I saw him in a cartoon.
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
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