If you have a parrot, it says a lot about you!
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
Why did the gorilla have to visit the vet?
He wasn't peeling well
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Theodore.
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open, so I knocked.
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
What do you call an alligator that will only eat sacrificed lambs?
A hallaligator.
What do you give to a sick lemon?
lemonaid.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
What is a naughty beavers' favorite type of wood ever? Knotty pine.
Every koala supports the idea of being able to defend themselves against tyranny. They believe in having the right to bear claws.
Did you hear about the scared kangaroo?
Yeah, he was a bit jumpy.
My boss told me that he was going to fire the person with the worst posture
I have a hunch, it might be me.
There's a serious ear condition that dogs can get, it makes their ears ring all the time.
It's called Rin-Tin-Tinnitus.
I almost brought a screwdriver to the football game, but was stopped by security
They said that match-fixing isn't allowed.
The last thing I can remember was the yellow ball speeding toward me. I swung the racquet, and then things got fuzzy.
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
I'm a cashew!
Why was it hard for police to catch the tree bandit? He had them stumped.
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
Once I tried to paint the sky but I blue it.
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment.
If a star fell every time I thought of you, the sky would be dark at night.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
"So… Do you like cheese?"
- Duke, She’s The Man (2006)
All the girls I meet keep thinking I’m a sheep.
Every time they see me they say “Ewe”
Hey girl, feel my sweater. Know what it's made of?
Boyfriend material.
My father cooked us mushrooms. Later he asked "Having fun guys"?
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
Where do school-going vampires carry their books?
In bat-packs.
I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.
I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
Q: Why was the cherry by himself?
A: Because the banana split.
What did the fairy say to the other fairy?
It’s fairy nice to meet you!
Hey girl, did you know I'm a cashier?
Because I'm totally checking you out.
Picky people pick Peter Pan Peanut-Butter, 'tis the peanut-butter picky people pick.
Hey baby, my body's like Ontario. Yours to discover.
When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
What is a vampire’s favorite sport?
Casketball.
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets.
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