Because they got turtle recall, turtles never forget.
Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight?
All of those sleepless knights.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
Having a dirt yard instead of grass is a bold move...
But having a giant rock is boulder.
What did you call an awesome geologist? A rockstar!
Q: What does the tiger use to brush his mane?
A: A catacomb.
I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?
A bear's least favorite pastry at any party is the blue bear-y pie.
I don't need 3D glasses to see how beautiful you are!
What does a polite vampire say to its victim?
- Fang you very much.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
I’m an astronaut and my next mission is to explore Uranus.
Can you feel our love blossoming into a stable relationship?
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
Why do poets always write about the sea?
They just can’t fathom her depths.
Why don’t cows drink artificial milk? It’s too pow-dairy.
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
Some marine biologists argued about how best to handle angry dolphins.
The were working at cross porpoises.
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
Changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
What did the nectarine boxer say to his opponent? "You want a peach of me?"
I met a girl in a vegetarian restaurant who said she recognized me, but I have literally never seen herbivore.
What’s the opposite of Easter?
Wester
What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale!
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
My wife left me because I'm so insecure
No wait.. She's back! She was just getting coffee
Wow, Charlotte, your name should definitely be Char-hot.
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
Why wasn't the jogger all that bummed out when his girlfriend broke up with him?
'Cause they had a good run.
Whatever coats your boat.
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
Why did the basketball player sign up for a crafting class?
He wanted to learn how to make baskets.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.
A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.
A group of crows drooling over a pastry is called a-tempted murder.
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
Is that the sun coming up... or is that just you lighting up my world?
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever ?
What do bats say to those they dislike? Good riddance to bat rubbish!
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
"You bake me crazy."
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