The frequency of bad physics puns on this category...
It hertz.
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
Breakfasts with my family always feel like a party because they're always making toasts.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Roses are red,
Violets are too,
I’m colorblind,
What about you?
What is the worst advice a coach could ever give to a nude volleyball team? Play hard.
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
What was the artist's favorite swimming stroke? The brushstroke.
Why did the skeleton go to the daycare?
To get his Kidneys.
You know the more I drink, the prettier you get!
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
Are your highways? Because I want a long drive on you.
You must be tired, because you’ve been running through my nightmares all night!
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
Are you a cat? Because you look purrrfect!
Your good seed for the day.
She sells seashells by the seashore.
If you need a mystery-solving, just call an in-vesti-gator.
What distinction does OJ hold in jail? He's the first inmate with a retired number.
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
Do you like sub-bass? Because you just turn on my lower frequencies.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? De-brie went everywhere!
Love the beach. Can I be any more Pacific?
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
"You know, it's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen foods section—because you could melt all this stuff."
- Steve Martin, My Blue Heaven (1990)
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.
How long has this been going on?
Since I was a kid.
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
I'm acorn-y person.
My landlord asked me out on a date.
He said I should be out of the house by the 17th.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
Do you know how many famous men and women were born on your birthday?
None, only babies.
Why are tigers striped? Because they never want to be spotted.
I stole two sofas from death, but I wasn’t ready for the reaper cushions.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
I can go 90 minutes without stopping.
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
There once was a girl called Jane,
who thought she had a really big brain.
She thought she was cool,
standing in a puddle of drool,
but really she was just insane.
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white?
Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
What does rain wear to a fancy dinner party? A rainbow-tie.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
The fact that I've met you shows that God loves me.
My friend was bragging about his new L-shaped sofa, so I told him I had one too.
It's just lowercase.
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
I normally fish for trout but I'll make and exception for you.
I really like guitars
They just strike a chord with me.
One of the punny pig names for a pig that loves Shakespeare is Hamlet.
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