My wife's been on a banana diet.
She hasn't lost any weight, but you should see her climb trees now!
Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
I like milk and cookies but I would rather have you.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
Are you doctor recommended? Because I’d like to to get a Hailey dose
I stopped my phones to the cloud, and I kept getting mist calls.
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
Your smile is like a supernova. Brighter than anything in the universe.
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
Prime-Mates!
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate,
the greedy ape said as he ate,
the greener green grapes are,
the keener keen apes are
to gobble green grape cakes,
they're great!
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
That skeleton over there said he’d get your number for me, but he didn’t have the guts, so here I am.
How did the blind guy from Denver enjoy a bit of apres skiing on Lookout Mountain during the last white-out?
He brought along his skiing-eye dog.
What was it like to fight Medusa?
- At first I was afraid, then I was petrified...
The police officer went to the crime scene and he saw that there had been a murder in the dense grasslands. Guess, we could call it a grass-assination.
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There was a team member bar tending who could serve spiked drinks.
My bowing arm is pretty sore… Because you just made my tremolo.
Hey girl, I'd swim across the ocean just to see you smile.
You're so beautiful; your birthday should be a national holiday.
How rare is an excellent father?
Legen-daddy
I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.
You must be from Quebec because these feelings I have for you are Mont-real.
"If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard."
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
I heard that burglars used grass to pick a lock and gain entry to a local house, but the evidence may have been planted.
I was going to smoke a turkey this Thanksgiving.
But they banned flavored vapes.
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather.
My son asked me, what’s a Greek urn?
I said, “about 20 drachmas a day.”
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
What did the Bluetooth say as the ship went down?
"Help! We’re syncing!"
Drums - You can't beat 'em. Well, you have to, really.
How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console
Is your body from McDonald's? Cause I'm lovin' it!
There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.
How did the police find all the missing wood from the lumber yard?
It was chipped.
I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor....
so far it´s been 7 owls and 15 jays.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand?
My hand.
I heard there are names that can be impossible to make puns out of, say its not Zoey!
If you wake up in a RED room, with no windows or doors, don't be alarmed, you're just in my heart.
My dad always said the secret to theatre was to always leave them wanting more.
He was a great guy but a terrible anaesthetist.
If you come with me, I'll show you a hard day's night.
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