The watermelon thief was charged with robbery with violence, but the judge later changed that to a minor felony; or melony as he put it.
What did the baby mouse do when she saw a bat?
She ran home and told her mother she saw an angel
If two vampires have a race, will it be neck and neck?
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
What's an owl's favorite Beatles song?
Owl You Need Is Love.
What crime is an egg most afraid of?
Poaching.
BREAKING NEWS: Vietnam accidentally sank its own submarine killing all 350 on board
Whoops, wrong sub.
The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.
Why did the balloon burst? Because is saw a lolly pop.
What did the irritated crow said to his fried?
I won't talk to you if you don’t stop ravening.
Why don’t bears eat fast food?
Because it’s hard for them to catch.
Why are elephants so wrinkled?
Because they take too long to iron!
When I was younger, I dressed up as a frog and robbed a bank.
That was the first time that I Kerm-itted a crime.
What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
A magician wearing a rainbow colored coat is called Hue-dini.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
My dog has expensive taste in shoes.
So I got her some Jimmy Chews.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
Let’s show Potassium and water that the two of us can make a more energetic reaction together than them!
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
“I Thought He Was Going to Kill Me”: One Woman’s Harrowing Misunderstanding of How Haircuts Work
Girls just wanna have sun!
The 70s/80s aesthetic has recently become pretty popular in France.
They say it has a certain Gen X sais quoi.
Why are Christmas trees so clean? They know how to spruce things up.
What garment are you most likely to spot a house in?
Address
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
A potato gave a gift to his girlfriend.She said, “Aww, why are you so sweet? ”He said, “It’s just the
way I yam.”
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cheese
Cheese who?
Cheese a nice girl.
The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.
During the contribution’s session, the mushroom family never gave a lot. They were just two spore.
I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
Sorry if I seem shy or nervous around you,
I have a bit of phobia, I'm afraid of attractive people like you.
Are you tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day with a frisbee in your mouth.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
What’s the best time for Frankenstein to go to a party?
Fright now.
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: "Whatever means necessary!"
Me: "No it doesn't.”
Girl, want to watch me play? I never miss the target.
Q: What’s the fastest way to make a skeleton?
A: Put a leper in a wind tunnel
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Avenue.
Avenue who?
Avenue knocked on this door before?
What travels all over the world, but stays in a corner?
A stamp
There's a group of guys that assemble wooden furniture for fun.
I hope they let me join.
Why was the orange skeptical of everyone around him?
He was planted with a seed of doubt.
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
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