I wish your name was Avogadro because then I would already know your number.
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hexpiration date!
I was at a funeral & asked the priest for the WiFi password
"Have some respect for the dead!" he said
I replied "Is that all lower case?"
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
You brighten up my day just like the anti-fog spray for my goggles.
The reason lakes are bigger than rivers is because one has running water whereas the other water is merely standing.
I fed my wife some ground chick peas and she choked to death
The police are treating it as a hummuside.
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
She saw Sharif’s shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure those were Sharif’s shoes she saw?
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
Aaron you glad I messaged you first?
Neighbor Dad 1: How often do you cut the grass? Your lawn looks so much better than mine!
Neighbor Dad 2: That's on a need to mow basis.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
"Humor is reason gone mad."
There’s only one thing in the truck world that is bigger than a tow truck, and that’s a foot truck.
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
I've recently started up a band called "Mum's The Word."
If anyone asks, you've not seen us.
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
Someone told me that it takes 5 sheep to make a sweater.
I didn't know they could knit!
Hi, my name's Pogo. Wanna ride on my stick?
Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
What did the pitcher tell the bat? Batter-up.
May the mass times acceleration be with you.
That skeleton over there said he’d get your number for me, but he didn’t have the guts, so here I am.
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
You have a body like the North Star. Wise men will follow it.
Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? Neither, they both weigh a ton!
Why won't prison life be much different from playing for the Bills? OJ will still have big guys opening holes for him.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
Why did the volleyball players line up from shortest to tallest? The coach wanted the team to switch from a 5-1 line up to a 6-2.
How do you stop your dog from barking in your front yard?
Put him in your backyard.
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
You knead me in your loaf.
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
Crows go to get their shopping at Cawst Co.
What do you call an outlaw goat?
Billy the Kid.
When winter comes, this town turns into an iceburg.
What does a mermaid say when she was leaving the party?
- Sea ya later.
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
Go to BabaMail
