I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.
What is a deer’s favorite after-school snack?
“Doe-nuts.”
It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
I was hoping you’d text first, but clearly Abby-t you to it
How do horses greet each other?
“Hayyyyy.”
What do you get when you cross a dog with a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
Why did the orange help the old lady cross the road?
To do a random act of rindness.
Talking at the local chocolate factory is frowned on. When I’m there, I need to wispa.
My last chess game went a bit medieval.
We both went for the castle.
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
Take off those blue suede shoes and let's shake rattle n roll!
Why did the skeletons form a rock band?
They wanted to “Rattle them bones”!
What do you call a shark that can’t stop singing “U Cant Touch This?”
An M.C. Hammerhead.
My email password has been hacked again
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.
We get fed up of long car journeys...
...meanwhile, truck drivers get fed ex.
Where do bulls get their messages? On a bull-etin board.
Did you hear about the 2 Tow Truck drivers who wanted to elope?
They got hitched.
Why do girl ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
What do you call a gorilla with a million dollars?
A gorillanaire
“Feliz navi-dog!”
Sorry for not calling sooner, I was budy complaining to Spotify for not naming you the year's hottest single.
I saw a fruit running from the police recently
It was a water felon.
You feel like that old book tucked away in a corner – one look at it still makes my heart skip a beat.
Love me do
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
Hey Bella, looking for a fella?
What’s a horse’s favorite grocery store?
No-fillies.
Flat-Earthers hate the fact our planet is spherical, whereas Asgard is flat.
It's a Thor subject for them.
If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.
I went into a bar with a keyboard under my arm. The barman said "Oi! We don"t want your typing in here".
At What Time Does A Duck Wake Up?
At the quack of dawn.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
In Ireland, they really like to ham it up.
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
Checked into a hotel and was offered the black & white or the rainbow room. I chose the rainbow one as I like a room with a hue.
It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.
Why were there cows on the baseball field?
Because they were looking for the bullpen.
If mom leaves her alphabet soup on the stove and forgets about it, it would spell disaster.
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
I wanna bob for your apples.
Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
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