What do ghouls and goblins put on their nachos?
Ghost peppers.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
I was she-shocked when my pet turtle died.
The computer said my password needed at least eight characters and at least one number, so I changed it to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
What did mother werewolf say to the naughty boy werewolf?
- We're werewolves, not swear-wolves.
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
What’s the worst thing about a bread pun?
It tends to get stale.
What do rabbits like to sing? “Every bunny was kung fu fighting.”
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
Are there any funny red wine puns at BabaMail Jokes?
You bet Shiraz there are!
What do you call it when Satan steals your guacamole?
Playing Devil’s Avocado.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
"I've found some bunny to love."
Why did the two Irish men fight amongst themselves?
They can’t find any other worthy opponents.
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
Girl is your name baseball? Cause I just want to hit it with you.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge
When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
What is the mermaid’s favorite drink?
A mertini.
Why are pirates called pirates? Cause they arrrrr.
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.
The fruit stutters because it suffers from a peach impediment.
Prisoner: "I’m sorry I tried to escape."
Guard: "I’m not mad, just… disappointed."
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
My love for you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.
What is a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!
I'll be Burger King and you be McDonald's. I'll have it my way, and you'll be lovin' it.
What do you call a gushing keyboard?
sqwerty
People really liked the new king's coronation day peach. He truly deserves the throne.
The winds of change started raining silver, copper, and gold coins.
When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.
I use homemade pumpkin spice. Would you like to try some?
I know the difference between "less" and "fewer," but don't worry, you won't have to ask me for either of them.
Why should you never expect perfection from geologists?
Because they all have their faults.
I finally decided to sell my vacuum. It was just gathering dust.
It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!
So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.
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