Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
What do they do when the fruit educator is sick? They bring in a substitute peacher.
I don’t know your name, but I’m sure it’s as beautiful as you are.
My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
For waterproofing their nests, crows buy caw-king.
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you'll rise and shine!
Apple is announcing a new cell phone for children.
iKid you not.
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift.
Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
How does a penguin get around?
By icicle.
What did Shakespeare say when he was angry with his Dalmatian?
Out, out, damned spot.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
I yam rooting for you my sweet potato and I won't mash your heart
Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.
Got out of the shower, went downstairs and opened the door in my towel.
I know it’s a funny place to have a door, but there you have it.
Get in the swim this summer.
Why are frogs so happy?
Because they eat whatever bugs them.
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
A fight between tiger and lion broke out. Both of them wanted to become the next empe-roar of the jungle.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
Are you good at math? Can you help me solve for x? X = your number.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
Summer is here, so I’m moving all of my bad habits outside.
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
I’m a raindrop and I’m falling for you.
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
I've been called a dirty player but lets just see how dirty we can get tonight.
My mother asked me if my dog was good
I said “Yeah. And my hot dog isn’t bad either.”
As I only have two factors, I’m the prime candidate for you.
Where will Kim Jong-un’s ashes be stored?
In a Kim Jong-urn
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
I know I've never been all that attractive.
But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague.
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
Why did the deer go for a run?
To doe off some steam.
Q; What’s the difference between origami and grandpa passing wind?
A: One is the art of the fold, the other, the fart of the old.
"That's all, yolks."
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
The bus driver was so friendly and nice, it was a 'joy ride'!
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
What do you call a serial killer watermelon? A slaughter melon.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
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