"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
What was the cheese’s strategy when it ran for president?
Make America grate again.
Why did the cat keep meow-ing? It didn’t want to be fur-gotten.
My pet turtle died.
I'm not upset - just shell-shocked.
Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?
Where do rocks like to sleep?
In bedrocks!
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
What nut is broken?
“A silly nut”
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
My Dad drove a truck for 32 years.
He was terrible with directions.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Parton!
Parton who?
Parton my French!
Why does a little cherry always look up to its parents? It tries to follow in their fruitsteps.
What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!
Is your name Sunshine? Because you are “In my soul today”.
Did you see the display of still-life art? It was not at all moving.
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a pot. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
What did the tornado say to the sports car?
Let's go for a spin!
The sun must be jealous of you because you are so hot.
The moto of their school bowling team was ‘let’s knock em down’.
Why does Mr. Potato need a cell phone? Incase Mr. Onion Rings.
“I Thought He Was Going to Kill Me”: One Woman’s Harrowing Misunderstanding of How Haircuts Work
Without you, I’d disintegrate.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin you — hand over the cash!
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
What is a crows favorite vegetable?
Corn on the caawb.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
I hope you know CPR, baby because you take my breath away.
There's a new film out about two insects that meet in Italy.
It's Rome ants.
If I had to choose between breathing and loving you, I'd take my last breath to say "I Love You".
Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically.
Buy the dip.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
I visited Spain and couldn't stop looking at the architecture
It was very Moorish.
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George? 2 Fast 2 Curious
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
What do you call Santa when he accidentally falls into the fireplace? Krisp Kringle.
What's the opposite of a positive crocodile?
A negator
Q. Why was the baby gorilla such a big brat?
A. Because his parents are big apes.
Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
“Did you know that Father Christmas has a daughter? Her name is Mary Christmas.”
What did the Jedi tell the sacred tree? May the forest be with you.
Back in the early 2010s, the peach children loved to flock around to listen to Peach Pit.
Flat earthers fear 6 feet social distancing could push some people over the edge.
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