Q: What do you call two peas in a pod?
A: Peepee.

How do you get a musician off your front porch?
Pay for the pizza.

I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.

What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
me ghosta.

Once upon a Halloween night,

A coven of witches took flight;

They went to the UN;

Added an “F” to UN.,

From then on the world’s future was more bright.

What do you call bananas that don't stick up for themselves? A bunch of pansies.

Wanna see my world cup in action?

Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!

Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.

You better beer-live it!

My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks.

Someone stole my lawn gnome that was under my porch!
Who would stoop so low?

There’s been a murder, a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub, partially filled.
A pair of policemen went into the house
and questioned the poor woman’s spouse.
He’d just come home from working all night
and found her like that, a terrible sight.
The younger policeman looked on with dismay.
He’d never forget that terrible day.
He saw the young woman from behind the door
and empty milk cartons all over the floor,
Scattered strawberries, slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar and honey to boot.
”Who could have done this terrible thing?”
His voice had a horrified, pitiful ring.
”Just look at the clues,” replied Sargeant Miller.
”It looks like the work of a cereal killer.” (Albert Van Hoogmoed)

Feeling my shelf.

What did the stimulus do to the neuron after they got married?
Carried it over the threshold.

I was she-shocked when my pet turtle died.

Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado!

Sorry, but you owe me a drink. Why? Because when I looked at you, I dropped mine.

Why did the potato wear socks?
To keep his pota-toes warm.

It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.

Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.

"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen

What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.

Did you hear what happened with the sourdough bread? It really rose to the occasion today.

Did you damage my cerebellum? Because I’m falling all over the place for you.

The density of this concrete leads me to believe one thing: it is a hard court.

Why did Billy make a bunch of snowmen to be his friends?
Because he wanted to hang with the cool kids!

“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown

Seven slick slimey snakes slowly sliding southward.

How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.

What do you call a gorilla wearing headphones?
Anything you'd like, it can't hear you.

Why didn’t the light rain hit the target?

It just mist.

Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"

Why do zombies only date intelligent women?
They just love a woman with brains.

What do you call it when two people make a baby in fog?

A mist conception.

Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.

“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.

What do you call a goat who is in charge of a university?
Billy Dean.

I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.

What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.

For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.

How do I know many hundreds of digits of pi greek and not the 7 digits of your phone number?

Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There were players on the other side.

“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”

- Erma Bombeck.

Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.

Q. What do biologists call an insane stag that's out running amok?
A. Deer-ranged.

When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.

What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.

Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you're CuTe.

Other people had drugs in school, but I brought Greek cheeses.
That way I could have math and feta cheese.