Why is a pineapple so attractive? Because it keeps its juices flowing.
What cartoon do horses like to watch?
Whinny the Pooh.
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
What do you call an ant running away with another ant?
Ant-elope.
Did you know that Beethoven's favorite fruit
Ba Na Na Naaa...Ba Na Na Naaa...
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
I told the artist that his painting was terrible. I think he got the picture.
What do you get if you cross a werewolf and a pet dog?
A terrified postman.
We’re a perfect mash.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
Ideally, the cost of a bowling game should be ten pinnies. However, with inflation, the price always goes up.
My buddies bet me that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl on the river. Would you like to get a drink later with their money?
On which day do tiger eat people?
Chewsday
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
Cassini spacecraft took pictures of both Saturn and Earth. It was literally the best of both worlds.
What sign was posted in the witches' parking lot?
Violators will be toad.
Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.
There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.
Why does Moon goes to the bank? To change his quarters.
What do deer always use to clean their homes?
Comet!
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
What do you call someone who lost her Marital arts tournament?
Divorced.
What kind of button won't unbutton? A bellybutton!
I hate to Gauguin, but I have to catch my flight.
What did the dolphin say when it broke its neighbor’s window?
It wasn’t on porpoise!
I hate getting tide down in one place. So let's take an ad-van-ture.
What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!
Do you think you know more parrot jokes than me? Toucan play that game!
Who was the most infamous terrorist in llama history?
Osama Bin Llama.
A group of crows placed evenly between two margins is definitely a justified murder.
Who is Medusa’s cheesy cousin?
Gorgon Zola
Police are investigating a string of homicides which have occurred over the last two weeks. The victims have identified as Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and the latest victim, Lucky the Leprechaun.
They are looking for a cereal killer.
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
My sister asked me for some spider puns.
I told her to look them up on the web.
I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
Why don't skeletons have a mobile? They don't have any body to talk to.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
That skeleton over there wanted to ask you for your number, but, unlike me, he didn’t have the guts
"There's no bunny like you."
Can you tell your tendy to look the other way while I slip one?
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
A gang of ravens scared off individual crows and cornered them together. Well, you can say that a conspiracy of ravens preplanned a murder of crows.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
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