Are you religious?
Because you're the answer to all my prayers.

After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.

“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”

Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!

If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well

What's yellow and always points to the north? A magnetic banana.

How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.

I created a presentation on my computer but didn't use password protection...
Now it has visual aids.

The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.

What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur ? Jurassic Pork!

Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.

What did the LEFT Stereo Speaker say to the RIGHT, as he was being taken away for repairs
AUDIOS!

“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams

My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.

How hot does your gas oven get?

Why did the wine connoisseur insist on drinking from an old tire?
He heard it was a Goodyear!

I'm pine-ing for you.

A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."

Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.

I'd catalog you with the cookbooks because you look delicious.

Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.

[Bundled Up Guy] This is what you call man coverage.

They consider a million years ago to be Recent.

I tried to start a soccer club so I put up some posters on a local bulletin board.
Just to get the ball rolling.

Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!

What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.

Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.

What's easy to get into but hard to get out of? Trouble

What do fish take to stay healthy?
Fish take Vitamin Sea to stay healthy!

I love you and I ain’t lion.

How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)

My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"

Why did the donut go to the dentist? It needed a filling!"

It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.

What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"

Why did the ski instructor's love life always go downhill? The first thing the ladies noticed about him was his giant slalom.

“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck

Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.

Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.

“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood

When strawberries, blueberries or blackberries meet another berry they like and want to get married who do they go see?
The marionberry

What did the fishermen say to the fish that swam away? "You bass-tard!"

Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.

We are mint to be.

I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it

What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.

Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, I bet this chair lift weighs enough to break the ice.

Can I show you my yellow submarine?

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

"Run like you stole something."
Unknown