There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, 'You'll grw fatter,'
He answered, 'What matter?'
That globular Person of Hurst.
If that’s the case, would it be wrong to say that the unfaithful watermelon had an illegitimate daughtermelon?
Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
It's foolish for humans to try and take back the planet of the apes
Since they are incredibly good at gorilla warfare.
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
What did the teenage crow want for his birthday? A brand new caw!
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
I went to a mansion but everyone had bad etiquette.
It was a Bad Manor.
Do you like short love affairs? I hate them - I've got all weekend.
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.
I’m so lepre-gone right now.
What is a skeleton’s favorite thing to do with their cell phone?
Take skelfies.
What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog? Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
After I show a peach the way, it says: “I really ap-peach-iate your help!”
CRIME: Sheriff Asks For 13.7% Increase
Wind energy is so popular. It has a lot of fans.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!
What do you think of puns about deer?
“I’m very fawn’d of them myself.”
You smell just like my mom, want to grab a drink?
What is a car’s favourite band?
Van Halen.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Why do trees always walk so slowly? All they can do is lumber around.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
The jam bank went bankrupt because of the series of strobberies in the last quarter.
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
What's a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
Q: How does a tiger stop a video?
A: By pressing paws.
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
My dog has expensive taste in shoes.
So I got her some Jimmy Chews.
What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
What is a criminal group of kangaroos called?
A gangaroo.
"Dear Brother of Mine"
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.
There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.
I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.
But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
Baby, you're so sweet you'd put Hershey's out of business!
All farts...are laughing gas.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
What soup killed Rob Stark? Italian Wedding Massacre.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
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