I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."
Puns make me numb, but math puns make me...
Number.
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
After I helped a peach with some work, she said, "I really ap-peach-iate your help!"
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
Girl give me a chance and I will show you a world of our own where spell of love began and our hearts become one
Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.
Q. What is a popular search engine for ghosts?
A. GHOULgle!
Why do potatoes make good detectives? Because they keep their eyes peeled.
Did you see the glitch earlier? You weren’t listed as the top hottest single.
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
The boy leaf confessed to the girl leaf that he was fall-ing in love with her.
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
What did bacon say to tomato? Lettuce get together.
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!
Why couldn’t anyone get a job at the ice rink?
There was a hiring freeze.
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
What do you call a rainbow you ride your horse on?
A rein-bow.
Woman’s Rejection: Sorry. I don’t date guys I pit-y
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
Where do Santa Claus and his deers stop to have a coffee at Christmas?
“Star – Bucks!”
What do you call twin baby kangaroos?
Roo-mMates!
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift.
Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
My brother, who is an IT guy, got surgery done on his fingers. Now he can truly be called a tech-knuckle support guy.
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
Why don't dinosaurs ever forget? Because no one ever tells them anything!
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
What do you call an ant running away with another ant?
Ant-elope.
Did you hear about the goblin that got his left arm and left leg cut off?
Well don't worry, he's all right now.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
Why should you never go back in time to alter the outcome of a football game?
You’ll be called for past interference!
Why was the evergreen so lonely in high school? She was always pining to become a part of the poplar kids.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
Q. What did the witch get when she crossed a doe with a tornado?
A. A whirling deer-vish.
What do you call a witch that lives in the desert?
A sand-witch.
Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
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