What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What are stepfathers called in France?
Faux pas.
What did the egg do when it saw the frying pan?
It scrambled.
What do you call a window that raps? 2PANEZ
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
"Wine a little, laugh a lot."
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
How did the ponies stay in touch?
C-horse-pondence.
Have you ever tried crossing a lion with a flamingo? It will be pink, that’s the mane thing.
There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
Why do trees like to watch Star Trek? They really relate to the Captain’s log.
When was the last time you got a cute good morning text? Give me your number so we can fix that.
Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.
What do you call it when evil worms take over the world?
Global Worming!
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
Football players get cheerleaders, but hockey players bring them home.
What language do they speak in Italy
Times New Roman.
My friend accidentally got salt in his papercut.
Talk about adding insalt to injury.
In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'
That will be a hard one to crack.
What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”
Do you prefer organic or local? Because I’m both.
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
You must be a flip turn because I’m head over heels for you.
No one could tame the unicorn. He was horn to be wild.
What is a cat’s favorite TV show? The evening mews.
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
Why do poets always write about the sea?
They just can’t fathom her depths.
Did you know you look good in short pants?
What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.
How do you know when your dog is lazy?
When it chases parked cars.
Do you play hockey? 'Cause I wouldn't mind poke-checking you.
I asked my dog why he was having a bad day.
But all he said was “ruff”.
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