Electric cars can't get exhausted...
...but they can get wheely tired.
It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.
Your batteries must be low after hiking all day. Can I recharge them?
Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
"Standing next to you makes me feel better about myself."
- 30 Rock
On Halloween night I will strut
Dressed like Jabba the Hut
Many sweets I will eat
As it is trick or treat
And double the size of my butt
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”
Man: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
Woman: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
If you are wondering about the fuzziest character in the gaming world, well it is definitely Princess Peach.
The storm suppose to knock out the power, but your eyes have all the electricity I need.
What do you call a koala with a negative attitude? The bearer of bad news.
I'd run miles just to be with you.
A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn’t put it down.
What did the rabbit say to its wife? No bunny compares to you.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
I wonder why theatres are so sad? They're always dark, moody, and in tiers.
Do you know what the Temple Veil and I both have in common?
We're both ripped.
Luca here, I’m just going to cut to the chase and ask if you want to get a drink with me
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
Why did the mummy get a divorce?
His wife was a ghoul-digger who was just after his mummy.
Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only 10 I see!
How do you keep a goat from charging?
You take his credit card away!
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
What do you call who has been electrocuted? You call it anion.
How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? Tea Rex?
There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.
What’s an avocado’s favorite music?
Guac ‘n’ roll.
What reassuring advice did the meninges give to the brain?
"Don't worry, I've got you covered."
Your love will always be up to par.
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
Why do flamingos make bad pets? They are too much of a birden.
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
What type of elf has the most books?
A bookshelf.
Pies aren't the new cupcakes, baby. You are.
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
Scientists permit us to see the sun in different light.
Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
What is it called when a tree stabs his friend in the back?
A be-tree-yal
You must be a 90º angle. ‘Cause, you’re looking right!
I know, I’ll never have a chance with you but will you give me a chance to hear an angel talk?
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
Q. What can a buck take after a night of drinking at a stag party?
A. Elk-a-seltzer.
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.
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