You ever heard the Stormtrooper band?
Probably not, they've never had a hit.
What did one cactus say to the other cactus ?
"Lookin sharp !"
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
Does a water bed become bouncier when you fill it up with spring water?
When god gave out bodies, he did it in alphabetical order.
GOD: And to you, horse, I give you a golden mane, great strength and speed, and a giant gait. You will be the noblest of beasts, and men will love you.
HORSEFLY (next in line): Oh man this is gonna be gooood.
Next time you’re feeling down, just remember: your plants are rooting for you. Literally!
You have me greening from ear to ear.
Excuse me, could you point me toward the Self-Help section? I need some advice on how to approach a gorgeous guy in a bookstore without seeming creepy.
I’m currently reading a book on anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put it down.
What kind of eggs does a confused chicken lay?
Scrambled eggs.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.
Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.
Guy: "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"
Girl: "No, but I did scrape my knees a couple times crawling up from hell."
I look at you and wham! I'm head over heels
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
What’s green and pecks on trees?
Woody the Wood Pickle.
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren
Why couldn’t the baby horse eat dessert?
It was foal.
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
This morning I saw a beautiful flower, and thought of you.
The reason why soccer players are brilliant in math is because they know how to use their heads well.
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
What do you call a snail on a boat?
A snailor.
"Put Up With Me"
I'm glad that you're my mother,
kind and caring and strong.
Coz surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
– Holly Giffers
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his soup before it was cool.
Someone vandalized my keyboard leaving only 1 button.
Surprisingly, the police were more thorough in the investigation than I expected. They even asked to see my colon.
How do tigers like their cheese?
Grrrrreated
"Happy Easter to all my peeps."
Why did the chicken cross the river?
To get to the otter side
What is the only difference between a lion and a tiger? The mane part is missing in a tiger.
It is only late August, yet the leaves are already turning brown. Autumn came early this year. Orange you glad?
The best place meteorologists can stop to get a drink on their way home is the isobar.
Are you a flower? Because I fell in love with you once and floral.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A lickalotopis
Why do flowers always drive so fast?
They put the petal to the metal.
Pirates used to make a delicious snack for themselves by crossing pate with flowers. They called it “lily livered”.
What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you're bacon my heart melt.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? Show me the honey!
While rainbows must be many colors, they should always stay blue to themselves.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
My love for you is like an marathon. It goes on and on.
If I buy a soccer ball, will you kick it with me?
Knock knock
Who's there?
To.
To who?
Surely you mean to whom.
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
What’s a good way to start a conversation with a cheese plate on Tinder?
“Hello. Is it brie you’re looking for?”
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