How do you give a deer a compliment?
“Fawn over him!”
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
What’s a Spanish vampire’s favorite dance?
The Fang-dango.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
What did the cactus wear with their suit?
A cactie.
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
Baby, I would trade the entire candy bar in the world for you.
What do grizzlies use in the shower?
Bear conditioner.
There are so many puppies and kitties around the neighbourhood. Perhaps it is because it has been raining cats and dogs for hours.
There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.
Have you seen any linking verbs around here? Because you are my complement and I want to connect.
One time, while visiting a river town, my brother was hungry and I fed him freshly made stream buns.
Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.
Little Johnny's teacher said,
"Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."
"Did you copy hers?" she asked.
Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"
“My favorite color is tangerine- isn’t that orange-inal?”
If you were an element you'd be francium because you're the most attractive.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
Your feet must be tired, because you’ve been running through my mind all day long.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
My friend built an aromatherapy vaporiser with a built-in brain scanner
Seems a bit out there, but makes scents when you think about it.
What would you call a dream where a koala bear is eating you? A bite-mare.
I used to be addicted to time travel,
but that's all in the past now.
So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.
Why did the tiger lose at poker?
Because he was playing with a cheetah.
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
I heard kissing is the language of love so...
Do you wanna start a conversation?
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion.
What currency do astronauts use in space?
Starbucks.
What's a girl like you doing in a place like this when there's a Battlestar Gallactica marathon on right now on the Sci Fi channel.
What type of person doesn’t like pizza?
A weir-dough.
My love for you is like a fruitcake during the holidays - nutty, spicy and unavoidable, no matter how hard you try.
Are you a box of BD pen needles? Because you are ultra-fine.
Hey baby, you know what sounds good? You and me never speaking to each other again.
Where do baseball players wash up?
In the bat tub.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
Girl, you must be a Beatles song, because look at this Long, Long, Long Norwgian Wood.
Mix a box of mixed biscuits with a boxed biscuit mixer.
What kind of diet did the deer go on when she was trying to lose weight?
A non-deery diet.
Are you an astronaut? Because I need some space.
There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
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