Q: What do you call a row of 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
I gave my wife that new gorilla glue chapstick...🦍💄
It left her speechless
My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.
What does the queen bee of every hive tell their workers to do?
She tells them to bee productive.
Who was the criminal crow running from? The cawps.
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.
I think my heart just lagged.
I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?
What do kids play when they can’t play with a phone?
Bored games.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
I nearly kicked my dog out, but we renegotiated the terms of his leash.
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
What do you call the guy who chooses a suitable fortified Spanish wine?
A Sherry Picker.
How do pigs write top secret messages?
With invisible oink!
What did daddy ghoul say to his youngest son?
Stop ghouling around!
There was an old person of Troy,
Whose drink was warm brandy and soy,
Which he took with a spoon,
By the light of the moon,
In sight of the city of Troy.
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
Why did the vampire refuse to eat his eggs?
Because they were sunny side up!
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
When the ghost watched a sad movie he started boo-hooing.
Did you hear about the fumbled exorcism? The guy retained possession!
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
When the baby onion died just after being born, the doctors classified it as an o-neonatal death.
Why should the Sun get into a school? To get brighter.
What do you call the least popular color in the rainbow? The weakest pink.
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot
Just hangin' with my gnomies.
Whoever said that no one is perfect has never seen you.
What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
What do you call an animal you keep in your car?
A Carpet
Why did the pig break up with her boyfriend?
Because he was a boar.
What happens after you eat an entire gallon of "All Natural" ice cream? You get Breyer's remorse!
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
A chipmunk.
What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
Excuse me… Do these shoes make me look fast?
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
Why is Pegasus so smart?
He’s all kno-wing.
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
I'm learning about important dates in history. Wanna be in one of them?
Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.
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