What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
There once was a Halloween party
All of the costumes there were naughty
I tried to be cute
Wearing my birthday suit
And won the prize for costume most gaudy.
The highlight of the year for dear old Dad
Was Halloween when treats were to be had
His modus operandi
Son you collect the candy
Snickers for me - licorice for you lad.
What do you call a small fish magician? A magic carpet
I dropped my cactus the other day
Worst part is, I caught it
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
Americans were preparing peach gelatos, to demonstrate it's right to freeze peach!
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
What is a baby sasquatch's favorite toy?
His Yeti Bear!
What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons?
José and Hose-B.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
I'd buy a tandem bike just to ride with you.
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
According to Newton’s law of universal gravitation, If I’m attracted to you, then you’re attracted to me.
It will be a habitual action for me to offer you a simple present.
Why do people say "hit the showers"
What did the showers ever do to you?
What do you call an onion that keeps on jumping up and down? You call it a spring onion!
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
What is a DJs favorite vegetable?
A turnip.
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
Why should you never ever play texas hold'em with a crocodile?
You will literally lose every hand.
There are more planes under the oceans than there are submarines up in the skies. Let that sink in...
The only thing that is black and white and has to be red all over is a newspaper.
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
What do you call it when Dr. Frankenstein makes tea?
A monstrositea.
The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."
I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.
Flamingos are known by a different name when they dress up to go out – they call themselves glamingos.
Are you a pharmacist? Because I am a patient and I heard you are patient lovers.
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
What do you call the dandruff found on unicorn manes? Horn flakes.
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
What do you call a sweet onion? Caramelized!
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce?
They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux.
Why didn’t the light rain hit the target?
It just mist.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
Your hold on my heart is perennial, I’ll keep coming back always.
Thin grippy thick slippery.
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
Good bowlers always keep their minds out of the gutter.
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