Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
Flat earthers fear 6 feet social distancing could push some people over the edge.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner’s on me!
What do you call a bee that lives in America? USB
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
I wish I was a Trypanosoma Cruzi so I could live in your heart.
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
The national news did a story on my friend's bumper crop of green citrus fruits.
He loves being in the limelight.
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
Their soccer team and the US navy had one thing in common, they both spent over $50 million on a sub.
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key
Have you ever heard of the Crows Law Of Energy Conservation?
It's also known as the Law of Caws and Effect.
You raise the bar.
What do you call a martial artist who injured his leg?
Bruised Knee.
What's more amazing than a talking turkey? A spelling bee!
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and liars. A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke.
Why did dad shave his daughters barbie?
She wanted 100 doll hairs.
Why are parrots so good at imitations? They love parrot-y! (parody)
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
What’s the sequel to that?
Fuller mouse!
What's the slogan for the New York Demon Chomping Advocacy Group?
Gobble the ghoul.
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
Anaerobic respiration reminds me of how you take my breath away.
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk? Dirty looks from the mouse!
Big black bugs bleed blue black blood but baby black bugs bleed blue blood.
If you were an element you'd be francium because you're the most attractive.
Tis the sea-sun.
Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin.
I told him I'd gourd it with my life.
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite Beatles song?
The Ghoul on the Hill!
Do you know why an octopus is so good at Football?
It gets ten tackles a play.
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
happens when you bother the parietal lobe?
It gets very touchy.
Damn girl, you're lookin' sharp
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
Damn girl, I must be reading a book because you are FINE print.
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
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