Q. What does the alpha gorilla call his first wife?
A. His prime mate.
When Papa red wanted to have some toppings on his bread, he told Son red, "Pass me the crimson!"
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
Saw a sign for bath plugs. I didn’t know that was electric!
What did the corn farmer give to his therapist?
An ear full.
What is an elf’s favorite band?
The Pixies.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
If I were Columbus, I would sail day and night to reach the depths of your heart.
The painting was framed, so the cops arrested it.
You're the only sight I want to see today.
What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?
Halloumi.
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
Keep calm and carrot on.
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
If you know a person's name: "Hi, [name]."
How did you know my name?
"Isn't every beautiful girl named that?"
What superhero takes public transportation to get around? Bus Lightyear.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them.
Curling? More like curling up next to you in bed, am I right?
Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
Why did the owl invite his friends over?
He didn't want to be owl by himself.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Who did all this shopping? Me, my elf, and I!
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
If you were a baseball and I was a bat would you let me hit?
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
Why couldn’t the dragon eat his birthday cake?
He destroyed it while trying to blow out the candles.
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
How does the weather tie its shoes? Witha rainbow!
Sometime flamingos get fixated on one thing, and it can be hard to get them to see things from another pers-peck-tive.
What did the giant octopus say to the pirate ship?
- What’s Kraken?
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
Q. Which kind of ape enjoys smoking tobaco?
A. Cigarilla.
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
I met this really beautiful crustacean, but I lobst her number.
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
The green light at the road signal looked at the red light and said, "Don't look while I am changing".
Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.
Dark, isn’t it?
What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo.
What do you call an electrically charged seal?
A seal ion.
What is the perfect day to go to the beach?
Sun-day!
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
Are you the flags in a 200 back swim? Because I’ve been looking for you forever.
You might not be America’s Most Wanted, but you’re at the top of my Watch List.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
So how many cats do you have?
What did the boy say when his mom made him prepare the corn for supper?
This shucks!
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