There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Eva.
Eva who?
Eva been asked out via knock knock joke before…?
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
How did the raindrop ask another raindrop on a date?
He asked her “Water you doing tonight?”
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
You have changed my world to polar coordinates. Complex and imaginary things now have a magnitude and direction.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
When I said "God, Thank you for this delicious noodle soup", my dad said "Ramen".
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder
What do you say when you are happy with how life has been weeks before Easter? It’s so far been an egg-cellent spring.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.
It's cold and rainy on Halloween
Where monsters and goblins are always seen
They're at my door asking for sweets
But they don't want tricks only treats
I could close my door but that would be mean.
I can think of an activity that'll make you sweat even more than a 90 minute hot yoga class...
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
I used to hate facial hair...
But then it grew on me.
My mom said I have no sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right
How did they determine that the shark attack victim had dandruff?
Because all that washed up on the beach was his head and shoulders.
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!
"We found eggs in a hopeless place."
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, crosses the road again, and then rolls in the dirt again?
A dirty double-crossing chicken.
Near the town of Hannah Montana people found a dinosaur skeleton.
Scientists identified it as a Mileysaurus.
Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because his parents were in a jam!
What is a plug’s favorite chant at a sporting event?
CHARGE!!
Working the poker table at the casino with my new prosthetic hand is going to be a challenge,
But I’ll learn to deal with it.
What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
Ruthless.
What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.
How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head
I used to hate peas. I like them now, I just make sure I think of them as 'o's.'
Baby, you rock my world!
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
Can I slip one past your goalie?
Elon Musk is now the richest person on the planet.
Space X has really taken off this past year.
Are you the World Cup? ‘Cause I get excited just waiting for you.
What do you call an onion that is very sick and has a high temperature? It is a boiling onion.
I'd like to eat breakfast with you.
Can I invite you to dinner?
This eye pun couldn't be any cornea.
I'm lactose intolerant so please keep your cheesy pick up lines away from me.
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
Are you a fruit, because Honeydew you know how fine you look right now?
Singing Sammy sung songs on sinking sand.
I'm not like other keyboards...
I'm qwerty
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