Are you a fire detector?
Because you're loud and annoying.
Q. What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A. A walkie talkie!
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
Did you hear about the 2 apes that kept fighting with each other?
It was gorilla warfare.
What do you call a FISH with no Eyes? A FSH.
Why don’t oranges go around blind?
“Because they take Vitamin See!”
What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
There's a group of guys that assemble wooden furniture for fun.
I hope they let me join.
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
Are you from tenessee? Cause your the only ten I see.
Hi! Tell me a funny story about your dog. I know you've got one.
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
What was the donut’s least favorite part of its day?
I’m not really sure; it glazed over that part.
Did you hear about the paper boy? He blew away
Why didn’t the baby leave his momma?
Because he couldn’t bear it!
I told the person who was playing my trumpet,
To stop pushing my buttons.
Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
Meteorologists.
What’s a bats favorite desert?
I-Scream!
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
How does a horse get a suit fitted?
With a tail-or.
Why do wookies love chocolate chip cookies? Because they are chewy.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
How do you communicate with a fish?
Drop him a line.
Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
Enough of the Corona virus jokes
We're all getting sick of them!
What do you get if you put an alligator in a blender?
Gatorade.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Beaver Y.
Beaver Y. who?
Bea-ver-y quiet, you are in a library.
What painting is terrible at ever being happy? The Moaning Lisa.
What do you call a little ghost with a torn sheet? A hole-y terror.
Which Oiler great had a soft spot for Indian food? Jari Curry.
What did the pillow say when the blanket asked it to come hang out?
I'm down
What did the fish say when it swam into a brick wall?
Dam!
I had a nasty crash with a truck carrying construction equipment the other day. It really hit me like a ton of bricks.
Why do sharks only swim in salt water?
Because pepper always makes them sneeze.
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.
I enjoy the cold weather
But only to a certain degree.
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
Are you the perigee moon? Because I’m so attracted to you day by day.
Forget hydrogen, you're my number one element.
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
So how many cats do you have?
What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Shamboo.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat?
‘Here Kitty, kitty, kitty’!
Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?
Nothing. It goes right through them.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
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