What do pigs drive? Pigup trucks.
19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
What did the llama say when the other llama asked if they wanted to go on holiday?
Alpaca suitcase.
Don’t be a wet noodle – join us!
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
Are you Jewish? Cause you IS RAELI HOT.
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
Don’t be elfish.
Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
What was Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA... BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA...
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.
Why does bread looks so bad in photographs?
It’s just too grainy.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
What color sheet did the ghost wear on the 4th of July? Red, white, and boo.
Shouldn't you be on top of the tree, Angel?
I always wondered why the watermelon loving librarian never touched any of the books; turns out she’d red them all.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
Why Did the Milkman Get Fired?
He was skimming off the top.
What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?
I did it for the Monet.
What problem did the young bat experience?
The hangout.
Are you Broca’s aphasia? Because you leave me speechless…
Hey there cyclist, is that your kickstand, or are you just happy to see me?
Is your name Scarlett? Because when I saw you my heart was gone with the wind.
A physics teacher writes a question on a board:
"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"
A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:
"In a foster home."
“What do you call an elf that runs away from Santa’s Workshop? A rebel without a Claus.”
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak? Mouse code!
Do you want to be my doubles partner...for life?
So, what do you do with an epileptic watermelon? Simple, you make a seizure salad.
It was so hot in New York City today, the mayor told the Statue of Liberty to put her arm down.
Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little money for the movies.
Passenger: One ticket to New York, please.
Bus Driver: By way of Buffalo?
Passenger: No, by bus!
A pickle store is giving out their new tea-flavored pickles on the street today
I tried some and I guess they tasted quite a-tea-pickle.
What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter? Jellyfish!
I'm local, all natural, homemade and certified organic: wanna taste?
My Gourd, Autumn is so fall of herself!
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes
That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!
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