You're like fireworks: smokin' hot, fun, and radiant.
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
Man: Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
Woman: Do you know what'd look good on you? Nothing.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
Is it hard to count conifers? It’s as simple as one, two, tree!
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
The best way to get back at someone is to push them in the snow; after all, revenge is a dish best served cold.
Get clover it, babe.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
Call me on the shellphone.
What do you call a dinosaur with high heels? My-feet-are-saurus
How did the little koala bear stop the movie? She hit the paws button.
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
What do vampire bats call their friends?
Blood brothers.
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
Finally, the call came in and the orange was informed by the person on the other end of the line that the company had orange-d an interview for the following day.
I would talk about Valentine’s Day
But it looks like I missed my date.
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
What's the difference between a stepping stool and a miniature 3D printer?
The former is a little ladder and the latter is a little former.
"Hey there, hop stuff."
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
Mountains aren't funny....? They're hilarious.
Why don't alligators like fast food?
Because it is difficult to catch.
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
What is an astronauts favourite type of shirt?
Apollo
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
The perfect name for a sad and morose strawberry is a blueberry.
I have a heart-on for you.
What do vampires do when they are trying to fall asleep?
Count Draculas.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time to give you a kiss.
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
Where do fish wash?
In a river basin.
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
"I treated this relationship like my diet, one cheat day a week."
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.
What did the duck eat for snack?
Salted Quackers.
My wife drives like lightning.
I don't mean she drives fast - she hits trees.
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
"Fun"
I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.
– Leroy F. Jackson
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
I wanted to do some research on organs in biology, but I had no WiFi and couldn't find the information I wanted.
I wound up using cellular.
What kind of dog loves bubble baths?
A shampoodle.
What do you get when it rains potatoes? Spuddles.
The computer had to visit the dentist at the very earliest opportunity as it had a BlueTooth!
When autumn arrives, the evergreen tree asked the deciduous tree, "Leafing so soon?'
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