When you're around, every mall is a sky mall.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
"If I win, I get to take you home. If you win, you can come home with me."
- Trees Lounge (1996)
What do cats do after watching a play? Give a round of a-paws.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
You’ve been working too yard.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
Q: Why did the tiger cross the road?
A: To stop the zebra crossing.
Did you know that old bowlers do not die? They simply end up in gutters.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
Why is Cinderella bad at soccer?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
Snow thank you.
What is a polar bear’s favorite snack?
Brrrrrittos.
What does Santa use after trimming his beard?
Elftershave.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!
What’s black and white and goes up and down?
A panda who’s stuck in a lift.
A man walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender and says "I'll have a Corona please, hold the virus."
I have a beer snob friend with Photophobia. He hates natural light.
A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based off of old Greek and Roman performances
That's playgarism if you ask me.
What do planets like to read?
Comet books.
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body?
Because they are well organized.
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
This may be cheesy, but I think you're grate.
What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman.
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
Why was the wheelchair basketball team banned from the Paralympics?
They all tested positive for WD-40.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
My printer just told me it was joining a band.
Makes sense since it lives to jam.
What is a koala’s favorite soft drink? Koka-Koala, of course!
You cannot strike it, if you don’t try it.
I used to be addicted to time travel,
but that's all in the past now.
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
What sound do 8 sheep make?
Octo-bah.
What does a well-educated owl say?
Whom.
Resting Grinch face.
Why did dad shave his daughters barbie?
She wanted 100 doll hairs.
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say cheese.
How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.
I went into the library and asked for pint of milk. The librarian said 'this is a library'. So i whispered 'I'd like a pint of milk please'.
What does an evil penguin lay?
Deviled eggs.
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